Failure

I am a grown-ass woman, and most days I’m proud of that. But there are days when I have deep regrets. I tried my best to be a good mother and somehow I failed. If I only knew the reasons why maybe I could fix it, then again maybe I can’t. Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed, I don’t know. But today it hurts deeply.

Yesterday would have been my sister-in-law’s birthday. Sadly she never got to see life past 13 months. I listen to the phone conversation between my husband and father-in-law and hear the pain sadness and both of their voices. The conversations they have felt what might have been. The talk of the fact that there are no grandchildren. And it breaks my heart. My failure is a mother seems Amplified somehow. The fact that I don’t have the physical ability to try again somehow feels like fitting punishment. Almost as if we’re good Lord knew that I didn’t get it right the first time and I shouldn’t be allowed the fuk it up again. My sweet husband and I have had this conversation more then once and he tells me that he does not regret not having children. But on days like yesterday I wonder. Today my heart is just filled with sadness for the Lost. The Lost daughters the Lost possibilities. I’m working on acceptance, acceptance of that which I cannot change. If you are a parent hug your children, tell them you love them and know that nothing is promised nothing is guaranteed. And if my daughter ever manages to find this and read it I love you my child with all my heart. I always will. So until miracles happen I will just go home and hug my four-legged babies and be grateful ffirfor what I had when I had it

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The day after ache

Dear Lord, sitting is an adventure. Last night was one of those nights were be both gave into the deepest of our desires, and today I am paying the price. And yes I love it.

The bruises are just beginning to show. Every mark is a sign of his love and desire. And I know he is feeling some of the same twinges. I am always swept away by his desire and passion and his openness. Some may not consider it manly to be on the receiving end of ass play. Personally I find it deeply erotic and it makes me even hotter to play with him. Today we recover and share naughty knowing smiles. Tomorrow is another chance to explore yet another fantasy. To feel even closer as we find new ways to bring each other pleasure beyond measure.

This magical Life

Each and every day that passes for me is a gift with this man. No things are not perfect. He drives me crazy sometimes.

But i know that every day he loves me with every part of himself. I know because he tells me. He shows me with his kindness and with his actions. He shows me with the tenderness of his touch and the gentleness of his words. We live a charmed life. It is a simple life. There are no fancy houses or cars, but we have all we need because at the end of the day we have each other. Our home is modest but filled with love and dog hair.

. I do not want to imagine my life without him in it. In him i have a partner, a friend. Someone who i can share all of my secrets with. Someone i can share all of my fantasy with and not fear that i will suffer shame for my desires. This level of honesty is why i love this man. I do not need to hide a single thing from him. Even the dark recess of my past do not scare him away. He has held me though tears and sadness and still loved me in the morning.

As each day passes i worry less and less that he loves me because he is one spoiled man and i realize more and more that he loves me for me. Yes he is my King and treated as such. But i am his queen and he loves me with the gentle reverence that a queen deserves. He also love me like the naughty little slut i am. He is my Daddy, and i his Baby girl. I am his sexy cougar Mommy and he my hot Cubby stud. We are not a list of titles but the perfect balance to the other ones needs and desires.

He is my peace. Never in this life have i had such a solid grasp on what happiness is. I am not trying to make someone happy so that the love me. I am simply being my truest self and i am loved because of it. Yes i worry about money and health and life and our future and things i have no control over. But most of all i know that with his hand in mine the future will take care of itself. He is my heart and my breath and my devotion. I love you, one day, one breath, one moment at a time. From now until the stars fall from the sky.

 

Watching him

Some women are plagued with jealousy. I am not. It is one of my biggest turn ons to watch him flirt with other women. To see him admire the sexy curves of her body, and for him to tell me how hot she is. To see a woman admire him and to watch them not only swoon like a silly teenager but to see the spark in their eyes as they contemplate the possibility.

I know that it fuels his appetite and that when we get to be alone the sex will be hotter than fuck. I love knowing that they want him, but I am the one who gets to have him.

Maybe one day I will let one play with us. But until that day I will enjoy watching him.

I want you now

Sitting there staring at her cup of coffee she was lost in thought. The battle inside was one that only has two possible outcomes. She would either lose her best friend or find the love of her life. She loved his company. His smile was infectious. His laugh melted even the hardest of hearts. Lately all she could think about is what it would be like to kiss him. Just once. But she knew that one would lead to two and after that…..

Could he possibly feel the same about her? Not knowing ate at her. It gnawed at her heart. Was it worth the risk? Maybe, maybe not, but she had to find out.

It was a typical evening, they had dinner out, pizza, her favorite. He always let her choose. Then back to her apartment for some TV. Tonight she asked if they could sit on the porch and talk. He said yes but you could see the concern in his eyes. What’s wrong, he asked her tentatively?

Her voice caught in her throat as she gathered her courage. I know that what I am about to say may change everything, but I can’t keep it inside any longer. I love you. Laughing he said I love you too.

NO, she said. The next words fell out of her mouth in rapid fire. I love you, I have since the beginning. But if I lose you I will die, and if I never have you I will live dead inside because you are more to me than words could ever cover. I need you. I need you now.

She sat there silent, looking into his hazel eyes, praying for the answer her heart needed.

Wordlesly he kissed her. His eyes meeting hers as their lips meet. She was sure she would never breath again. She could feel the beating of his heart under her hand. It was like the wings of a hummingbird.

He pulled her even closer and began to gently nibble on her ear and neck. Tasting her like a starving man. By then she had lost all sense of space and time. She floated in and out of her own body as his hands explored parts of her no one had ever touched before. She lost herself to him in every way. Their bodies found their own rhythm and like a magical dance they were intertwined into the others soul. When they finally collapsed into a heap in each other’s arms they were out of breath and out of words.

She melted not only into his body but into his heart and by the time the sun rose they both knew that this was not the end but the beginning.

red lipstick

She stood in  front of the bathroom mirror, an array of makeup in front of her. Most days she looked in that mirror and thought, Not bad for an old broad. some days she was grateful for the war paint, for it covered a multitude. Today was weird, she was stuck somewhere in between. The black dress hugged her every curve, heels in a height appropriate for work adorned her feet. the makeup was good, and the hair was rocking. Today only a few specks of grey showed reminding her she was not 20, but she was not dead either.

Looking in the mirror she kept hunting for that thing to make her sparkle today, she smiled and knew exactly what it was, red lipstick. Now to find the right shade, the one to decide if she was a goddess or if she was the wicked woman on the street corner. She had them all. picking her way through each tube she was waiting for inspiration.

Finally she found it, blood red, as if you had just severed an artery and watched it pool on the floor.The color of life, strength, power and lust. She put it on slowly, delibertly.

Looking up in the mirror at the full effect the smiled. Soft chocolate color on the eyes, a hint of pink on her cheeks, soflty smoothing away the years. But those lips… The smile that went from sweet an innocent to wicked and naughty. She caught herself biting her lip and wondering how may times through the day would someone have their own private thought about those red lips. How many men would wonder what they tasted like, or what they would look like wrapped around his cock. Or how many women would wonder if the red of her lipstick would tint the lips of her pussy as she licked it.

She knew that in life you were either someones cup of tea or not. Today she wanted to be someones Jack and coke. Better yet someones Crown on the rocks. That sweet slow burn that made you feel alive. Just one more glance in the mirror. Those red lips.. they look so much better when you smile, so she did. And with that she went off into the world. Her head held high, a sway in her hips as she walked and the slight glint of a dare in her eyes.

Where did she go?

Life gets in the way, the every day of it all. Trust me when i say i love my life. It is filled to the brim with goodness, but i think my sex goddess is in hibernation.

I try every day to look good. there are no sweat pants and baggy t shirts. Parfume and makeup are in attendance often. I have cute under clothes and they do not just live in the drawer. But i fear that my dirty girl fire is missing, not missing just not sparked. I have not written in some time. I watch porn on occasion and think ” that was nice” and then go back to the dishes. I haven’t read any erotica in some time. I need that sexual energy boost in the worst way. I fear that my lack of fire is killing my ability to entice my man. We are just different and i wonder if it is me. Did i just become Martha Stewart. Where is my inner porn star? Another birthday is around the corner and 48 sounds old to me for some reason. I cant keep enough color on my grey hair. Hell i ordered bifocals to go in my fishing gear for god’s sake.

I know it is all just in my head. I know that i am loved but i fear that i am not always desired. Lord knows that we have the busiest lives and that things happen but i have a hard time shaking the ever nagging fear that…..

time to breath deep and sort this shit out because i want to be wanted and if i cant get past the blockage in my own brain then there is no way he can get past it either.

 

mutual masterbation

That lazy afternoon was winding down. Life had been way to busy and play time had been in short order. They both hungered for play and needed the release. Still there was this reality that time and energy were not matching up.

His sensual naked body reclined on the couch and she wanted to touch him in the worst way, but he was engrossed in the TV and she knew he had been working so hard and deserved the down time. He knew she was watching and loved messing with her hunger when he got the chance. So he continued to lounge there and make random twitching actions with his ample cock. At some point he decided to test her resolve and began fingering his own swelling cock. Giving her a wicked smile and silently daring her to act. He wondered just what she would do.

It was not long before the hunger in her won. How she loved watching him stroke his cock and to see his body respond. Every inch of him throbbed as he stroked. She slid her chair around so that he had a good view of her naked and dripping cunt. Biting her lip she slipped first one finger then two into the warm wetness and smiled at him. There was no need for words, but he added the ones that made her melt even more.

That’s my very good, naughty girl, her growled. Her breath caught as she looked him in the eyes and asked him, please tell me. Tell you what he asked, even though he knew. But how he loved to hear her ask. Tell me to cum, she whispered. Not yet was his response, but don’t stop, was the carnal growl. She changed the rhythm so as to do as he bid, but she wanted to cum so badly. She would not until he gave her permission, but the ache, the hunger grew.

As he slipped from the couch he came to her on his knees, sliding his throbbing cock into her dripping cunt. That action nearly sent her over the edge. Whispering in her ear, he said NOW. And with that she came hard. He groaned as she did and continued his deep thrusts. Now it is daddy’s turn he said as he grabbed her hips and came deep within her.

Giggling she looked at him and said, Look what a mess you made. Not me he said. You know what happens when you finger that pretty thing. Yes but you started it she said coyly. Yes i did, and i  finished it too, he said with a satisfied grin.

Oh how i love naked Saturdays

Hello there

I find myself needing to write. I am not sure of the words only the feelings.  This last year was good in so many ways. I went back to sharing an office with people i enjoy. Work for the most part is good and getting better. My life is a blessed one full of love and good people. I am loved everyday by a wonderful man who has helped me to find myself, no excuses, no walls.

But there is that one thing. My daughter is still choosing to keep me out of her life. Refusing to even acknowledge even holiday texts. Basic human decency has left her. It rips out my heart, but my hands are tied.

I am trying and yes trying is the word. to let it go to find my peace with the situation. It will take time, and i will survive. Even though i have had a few moments when i just wanted to drive off the mountain and have the pain stop. But that would only end it for me and cause so much pain for those in my life who do love me. So i put on my big girl pants, found a smile and cried in the quiet darkness.

Life is truly about finding the joy in the moments and living in that joy. The world is full of black nothingness but i will not live there. I will find the light and live there. I have no desire to hide in the shadows again. So for now i am sending my girl all of the love the world has and hope she finds her own path to the sunshine.

How I knew i was loved

Trust me when i tell you i am very aware every day that i am loved. But there are those defining moments that you never forget. When i was married before my then husband and i would talk about the day when we could retire and the life we wanted. When asked he would say that all he needed to be happy was a chunk of land, his truck, his dog and his hunting gear. I would look at him and ask if that was all. After a pause he would look at me and go Oh yeah and my wife. It gutted me every time.

Now here we are years later and i am remarried. Life every day is good. So driving down the road my husband, my king, realizes he has no lighter. this is tragic in his world. I pull one out of my pocket and laughingly ask him what he would do without me. He response melted my heart. I would be a wreck, living in the poor house, a shell of a human with an alcoholic girlfriend working 2 jobs. No i would just die. That is what my life would be without you.

How time changes and how great it is to be so loved.

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