learning to chill

No this is not an easy thing for me. I worry about everything. Most people don’t see it. I have learned in life to put on a happy face and just move forward. But He sees everything. And that is hard sometimes. I can not hide from him like i have from everyone else in the past. I can not smile and laugh it off like nothing is wrong and have him believe it. He is to savvy for that load of crap. And it is part of why i love him.

Yesterday he made my day simply by being himself. I decided to make pizza for dinner. He told me he was helping. And he did. We had fun together in the kitchen. He actually used the word mies an place. I guess all of that Food Network is rubbing off in a good way. He was like a wizard in the kitchen playing with ways to flavor the crust, and making sauce for our pizza from scratch. In the end we decided that we are a wicked team.

This morning he was laughing when he said that he was not looking forward to the day that we would have to spend a night apart. We have not been since we went on our first date, except once. I tried to go away for 3 days. i made it one night. He spent a few hours with his best friend one evening and came home declaring that it was strange to be away from me.

I am not sure how he will react when i tell him we are not sleeping in the same house the night before our wedding. Old fashioned i know. But.. there are still some silly traditions that i want to keep in this life.

It is funny how we hold on to the past until we find that doing so only keeps us from grasping the future and Really Living. I am happy. Really happy. And my daughter sees it and is happy for me. She keeps me grounded and reminds me that life is so important. Not the survival of it but to truly live every moment as if it were your last.

I am learning every day. and loving every day and letting go every day… learning to chill.


Honest is Honest

Life has been perfect. Full of love and passion and the best conversations of my life. Then you asked me to be your wife. And i could not have been happier. But the panic set in. And with each passing day i fear that i will fail to continue to be the woman of your dreams. Life creeps in and we do not always have the time or energy to engage in the more physical and intimate aspects of our love. And i panic. I do not ever doubt your love, But i do have moments when i doubt your desire. And i shut down. Willing to accept a lack of physical love because the rest of life is so full of good. I forget that you are so much like me and need to feel pursued. That i need to take the lead some times. That you will not tell me NO. That i left that life and its emptiness behind. And that i am now fully blessed with a life and a love that embraces me and my flaws. I do not come to you with an empty suitcase. I come to you with a cargo trunk full of life past. But each day i find more comfort in your arms that allows me to empty out the pieces of my past and to make room for OUR future. I can not promise you that i have let go of all of my past chains.  But i do promise you that with each kiss, with every time you hold my hand, i am letting go of the things that caused me pain and led me to doubt. Because that is not the here and now. You are my King, and soon i will be the queen who shares your last name. And i do so with joy in my heart and a love overflowing.

Pursue Me

I needed to read this today. In part because i feel this way. and in part because i forget that he needs to feel this as well. We must remember to give in the same way that we wish to receive. We all want to fell desired.

The Submission of Elle

As a submissive I never refuse any sexual contact. I’m available to my Dom whenever, wherever, and however he chooses. This is the agreement because he is in charge of my body. Granted, when I’m sick or dog-tired he’s a loving and understanding Dom and he takes care of me and makes sure I get my rest. My well being is priority.

All that being said, I still want to be pursued. Just because he can always have me doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel the excitement of the seduction. I love the pursuit. I want to feel wanted and desired. That feeling of the chase is so thrilling. There’s the lead up, the flirting, the subtle, but definitive touches. There’s the look in his eyes and the mischievous smile. Nothing specifically said yet volumes are spoken. It’s teasing at its finest and it makes me feel so sexy…

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It was the end of what felt like the longest day on earth. Her body ached in places she had long ago forgotten. And her brain was tired from to many ideas rolling around in it like marbles on a tilt a whirl. She sat with her eyes closed and her tea cup in her hand, trying to soak up the heat from a fire that was refusing to burst into life. It acted like she felt, just a bare flicker of life.

The chime of her phone brought her back to reality. His message that he was on his way home. She smiled and then sighed as she poked at the fire and dared it to die. Pulling herself from the hearth she padded to the kitchen trying to create a dinner in her head that would not take forever to make. Nor cause 100 dishes to be washed after. Knowing that he had a long week too spurred her to put in that spare energy. Dinner would be warm and comforting and filled with love, even though she was exhausted.

By the time  he hit the door the kitchen smelled of wonderful aromas and she was there with a cup of hot tea in hand. The fire was now roaring warmth and her king was greeted with smiles and kisses. His appreciation was all she needed to feel more alive. He wandered through the kitchen smiling and commenting on the perfection of her cooking. Boldly declaring that he was fully spoiled and one lucky man to boot.

Taking her in his arms he nuzzled into her neck and thanked her for being his wife and for always keeping faith in him. He let her know that  he was aware of how tired she was, and that her efforts never went un noticed. After dinner he took her plate to the kitchen and brought her another cup of tea. There on the couch he held his queens hand in his as if it were his most prize possession. His gentle touch warming her more than the fire or the tea.

That night as they lay in bed, he folded her in his arms and breathed her in. The scent of her making him flush with excitement. His whispers in her ear holding promises of tomorrow and filling her heart with declarations of his undying love.

Sleep well my Queen were the last words she heard as she drifted off into peaceful slumber and began to dream of the fun tomorrow would hold in the arms of her King.


i wanted a mother..

what i got was a challenge

All of my life i wanted to be just like her and nothing like her.

She was always this mad mix of happy and playful and completely mad.

Life ran on a 3 day cycle. Those first 3 were great, the next 3 utter hell

I adored her with all of my being and yet i hated her

She did not have the strength to save me from the demons

She did not have the strength to save herself

Now i am older and have better tools in my tool box and still i can not take more than one short phone call

I have not seen her face in almost 21 years. But her voice is the same.

So are the lectures on how i should live my life

And what i did wrong. and how my brothers are not living up to their potential

There is never sunshine in her like there used to be

Any more there is only the dark and bitterness of a life not lived

She battles her demons and her choices

She morns the loss of her children, even though we are all still above ground

I sit back and look at photos of days past and remember when she would laugh

I wonder if she laughs now.

Time will tell, because it always does

But i pray that in the end of my days my daughter sees me with different eyes

and that she does not share the feelings i have now when i silently pray

Dear Lord, please do not let me turn into my Mother

living with my choices

some days those are a challenge. Its the little things, like calling my mother. I try to be patient and understanding but she is just so damn negative. At least these days i can just say to her what i need to say and let it sit. She does not have to like it, simply accept it. I guess sometimes boldness is a good thing.

And then there are the things i do out of eager excitement. When i forget to Talk to  my partner. things i should of included him in. Or at least included him in more. Those darn moments when i think i have communicated enough but havent. I hate it when we end up on separate pages despite our best efforts.

life, despite our best attempts is not perfect. But i love living in those imperfections. I just wish from time to time that the moments were easier.That conversations flowed with greater ease. That a difference in opinion did not lead to trauma or drama or hurt feelings. That mental things did not happen on the same day that physical things are being a challenge. That money could grow on trees, at least every once in a while.

But i have to be honest. My choices have made me who i am, they have put me in places where i learned amazing lessons. They have made me strong and shown me when it is ok to be weak. I have learned who i can trust with my everything and who i need to keep, if not walls then at least armor, around to be safe. Moving forward in life is a great thing. But in moving forward you have to let go of the past, or at least put it in it’s proper place. You do not have to erase it, because you may unlearn the lessons. But you have to put it away where it can do the least amount of harm.

I am happily embracing tomorrow. I am living in this moment. And i am learning that it is ok to make mistakes. As long as we learn from each and every one, and make the next moment a better one.

warming up

the steady drip told her that it was still raining. And she did not need to look at the thermostat to tell that the temp was dropping again. she put another log on the fire and stared into it, wondering when he would make it home. The day had been long and cold and wet, and she knew he was working outside again. He would be frozen by the time he came through the front door. The tea kettle began to sing, so she went to the kitchen to turn it off. The scent of vegetable chicken soup filled the house. She stirred the pot and smiled. He was a simple and wonderful man who could make her smile even on the darkest of days. And his eyes would lite up when he walked in the door and smelled that soup.

Tires crunched on the driveway and she knew he was home. She poured the hot water into her tea pot and began steeping his hot tea. Loving the fact that he had learned to love such a civilized thing from his grandmother. There was something healing in a cup of  hot tea. By the time he got in the front door and out of his heavy coat and boots she was by his side, cup in hand. Greeting him with a smile, a kiss and a cup of warm goodness. He took the cup in one hand and her face in the other as he kissed her again. Taking her hand in his he lead her to the fire to warm his work weary bones, and commented on the lovely aroma that filled their home. How many times he had declared he was one lucky man. But she always felt like she was the lucky one.

Their evening was a quiet one. Dinner and tea snuggled on the couch. She could tell he was still chilled so she coaxed him into a hot shower hoping it would do the trick and warm him up. She watched tv from bed as he steamed up the bathroom. She wanted to watch him but somehow felt that today he needed some space. Before long he was sliding in beside her, his hair damp and curling down his back. How she loved his hair long.

He pulled her into his arms and gently kissed her. The temperature rose in an instant. Kisses trailed from her lips to her neck and back again. His hard working hands becoming as soft as silk on her flesh. There was no need for words, their bodies melding into one there under the flannel sheets. He took his time exploring her and loving her. She was putty in his hands. Kisses lead to breathless sighs that became murmers of delight.

Basking in the afterglow of their passion they were a tangle of arms and legs and giggles and smiles. She looked at him with adoration and happy knowledge that the rain could fall all it wanted because they had warmed each other up.

Her Shoes

Standing in front of her closet she looked at the rows of shoes. How on earth did she manage to get so many? And why are they all Black and Beige? Good stable neutrals. Nothing to stand out. Nothing to flashy. Sensible colors for some non sensible shoes. The heels range from flat to a good 6 plus inches. Stilettos and wedges. Definately diva footwear, but those colors? Dear lord, when will she just let herself go and buy the flashy red heels and wear them with pride?

Somewhere in her head she knows that she is a diva, one smart sexy woman with the world on a kite string. But all to loudly she hears the voice that reminds her she is well past 40. She is a mother and a grandmother for God’s sake. But her inner lioness feels caged and is pacing madly at the gate.

That is the moment when she looks into the mirror and laughs. And in a voice strong and loud and proud she says FUCK IT.

With a sway in her hips she sashays over to her computer and places an order that is long overdue. No the heels are not that high. A modest 3 inches, but those shoe will turn heads for sure. And she laughs. She eagerly awaits the moment when she can wear them with pride on the arm of her cougar hunter. And she knows they will notice more than just her sassy shoes. They will see the sparkle in her eyes and the beaming pride in his.

Yes she is over 40. And she is a grandma. But she is a lioness and a diva and her kings Queen. And she owns her life, and her shoes and wears them with pride. bowlingheels

little things

You catch everything

a look

a shrug

a sigh

The thump of a pan in the sink

the roll of my eyes as i try and look away

It boggles my mind that you never miss a thing

even when i wish you would

You hold my hand

in the car

on the couch

in the alley surrounded by friends

You do not shy away from PDA

You kiss me in public

and swat my ass as i walk by

You do not shy away for letting others know


You ask me if i want anything

Every time you get up and leave the room

You bring me coffee in bed

and never fuss if i ask for the last bite of cookie

You remind me to call my daughter

and my mom

You brag  on my choice of car

and on my cooking

You ever miss the opportunity to tell people how spoiled you are

Or how perfect i am

I think your mad

but then again all of the best people are

I love you

and all of the the little things that you never miss

all of the little things you always do without even thinking

I can not wait to be your wife

So we can continue to share all of those little things