Disapointing myself

I am so darn competitive. I was raised to expect the best from myself. And yes that means win. Not at all cost because that could be cheating or smack talk, and that is unacceptable behavior. But it does mean strive to do your best or not at all. The not at all part has been removed from the current equation by my King. We do not quit!! We do keep our heads down and strive on.

So last night was hard. We bowl. He is very good, I am getting better. We were in the play offs and last night i struggled. My pride took a beating. We lost. Yes it was close and yes i did my best. But last night my best was not up to par. For one or 10 of a million reasons i could not get all of the pieces to fit. But i did not quit. Lord knows i tried not to cry. But i am a girl Dammit. And a sensitive one at that.

I was worried that i had disappointed my king, and my team. But they do not put the pressure on me that i put on myself. What i did was disappoint myself. I let my pride and my competitive nature get in the way of my having fun. I let my desire to make him proud of me distract me from what was important. He will be proud of me no matter what. As long as i try my best and never surrender.

I am learning. Old lessons die hard. New ones must be repeated so that they can take the place of old truths that no longer fit my life. So today i am holding my head up. I am proud of the team who is advancing. And in all honesty i hope they kick ass next week. And maybe this summer, they will let me play on their team and i will remember that Fun is what makes life worth living. And practice is what makes you good.



I know this feeling well. Thank you for the beautiful way you manage to express things. Especially at this moment. I will be borrowing your words to send to my king.

The Submission of Elle

Sometimes I don’t breathe until he comes home
I’m not holding my breath nor am I hyperventilating
I’m in a state of suspended animation
I go through the motions of breathing
The air goes into my lungs
My chest rises and falls
I exhale
Then he walks in the door
And I draw in life

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She was tired of being good. It was exhausting being so well behaved all of the time. Living up to other peoples expectations. She wanted mischief and a little wicked, and she wanted it soon.

Standing in the closet was almost sensory overload. The abundance of colors and textures would of been to much for a weaker woman. But she reveled in her femininity. She had wicked curves and loved to dress them to accentuate her very best assets. Today’s choice was a form fitting, cleavage revealing top, curve hugging dark wash denim jeans and some serious heels. An extra dash of her favorite parfume and just a touch of pink lipstick completed her look.

There was no club or party on her agenda. It was just a day of errands to run. But she knew she would turn heads and catch eyes wherever she went. It was good to be admired, even from afar. And in today’s gentle breezes her red hair was hard to miss. It had a life of it’s own in the sparking sun and warm summer wind. The scent of her parfume wafting around her drew people in like the smell of wildflowers to a bee.

The day ran on. Errands done, lunch eaten and some browsing just for fun. There had been plenty of admiring glaces but no one had dared to approach. Yet. At the end of the isle was a young man who kept glancing her way. His smile was captivating and his eyes held a wicked gleam. With bold purpose he strode up to her and said Hello. She was used to men being brave enough to say Hi, but few could manage a conversation past that. And she learned long ago that the way into her pants was through her ears. Captivate her brain and you just might be able to captivate her body as well.

Soon the conversation was flowing with ease and the laughter was contagious.There was definately something carnal going on but there was something else at work too. It seemed to her that the plans she left home with this morning needed some adjustment. Play was going to take a new path. He asked for her number and she told him NO. If you really want to see me again i will be at the park on Saturday for the music festival. He smiled and said that he could see he was going to have to work to get what he wanted. Her quick response was, NO you are going to have to work to be what i want.  With a tilted head and his wicked smile he made a quick bow and said, I accept your challenge my Queen.

That evening at home she was curled up on her bed kicking herself for not demanding his phone number. She wanted to hear his voice. To have more of that conversation and laughter. But if he were worth the effort he would be worth the wait. But at this moment all she could do was play alone with the memory of his smile dancing behind her closed eyes.