Holes/ Whole

Sometimes you learn something that makes you just stop dead in your tracks. You sit there and shake your head and if you are lucky you will break out in a huge smile and feel blessed beyond words. That recently happened to me. Here is the long story made as short as possible.

I married at 19. stayed that way for 24 years. It ended and we both moved on. I met and married the man who makes me smile and laugh and feel like a freakin goddess every day.

But despite the joy i have had this nagging voice in my head. It  kept asking what went wrong the first time? How did i mess it up? And how can i keep from messing it up again?

My daughter mentioned in a conversation that her dad, who is dating a nice woman, Said that he finally knew what it felt like to look at a person and really be attracted to them. To want to be with them. At first i was hurt. Had he never felt for me what i had for him? But i came to understand that No he had not, and that it was ok. He had never been in love with me but in love with the idea of a wife and family. I was his first ever and he was 27 when we married.  Yes he was a 27 yr old virgin living with his parents. Think that over for a second.

I felt this sense of letting go. What ever happened then had no bearing on the here and now because NOW i am loved. Truly deeply and honestly loved. I am with a man who wants to spend his days and nights with me. Who wants to share a life with me. Who will talk to me as his partner, his equal, his friend.

That was moment number one.

The second came this morning. I had to go out of town to get my car serviced. Normally this is a treat for me because i get to go to a BIG town and do some shopping.  When the car was done i sat there and was trying to decide where to go next. I have a wallet with store cards that have NO balance. I could of gone and done some serious damage. But in that moment I realized that i had no Want to go Spend. I shopped in the past to fill a HOLE. The empty space that came from a life that was not Full. So instead of hitting the shops i returned to town and took my daughter to lunch.

You see… my life is now WHOLE. There is no empty space in it. It is full of love and laughter and friends and family. I am happy in myself. In this not so perfect skin. I have all that i could ever want and need in this life and in those around me. It is not STUFF  that fills the empty spaces because there are no longer EMPTY SPACES.

I hope that everyone can find this moment when you no longer have HOLES  and find that you are indeed WHOLE.


Finding out what real love is for me.

I love how my pulse quickens when he walks in the room. His sweet smile so full of mischief. Then there is that kiss. I melt when he kisses me. It can be one of those fast drive by kisses or the one where he slides his hand in the back of my hair and kisses me hard and long until i can not breath. But either way I am lost in that kiss.

Life with him is a daily adventure. Laughter is a guarantee. Much like the fact that he will be roaming the house naked at some point. I get to see what others never do. He is slim for sure but carved like a find Greek statue. I love watching him stride through the living room with that cool calm swagger. I have that mix of a girlish giggle and the breath quickening lust. And he wonders why i am always horny? Silly man. He has no idea just how sexy he really is. Well maybe he does.

I love to tease him in little ways. Like getting dressed in matching lace bra and panties in his favorite colors. And confidently striding around the room like i am looking for something. It is a total show because i am not confident. I am graced with to many curves. But for some reason he seems to enjoy all of them. I swear he is from some alien planet. What man loves the abundance of all of this?

Never in my wildest dreams did i imagine this life. Like every couple we have our moments. But i know that we will always work them out. We work hard at the conversation part of this life. The honest and true part of it. I know that i do not write here like i used to. I am to busy living instead of dreaming and hoping. My days of writing my fantasies seems to be put on the shelf for now. In this moment i am living them instead. Sharing my desires with a man who will go above and beyond to see me happy.

I had no clue what love really was. I dreamed of that white picket fence like most girls do. I imagined a home and kids and family around the table. And in some ways i have that. But more than that i am cherished. If you don’t know what that is then you are missing something. Because being cherished is to be loved above all else. To be the breath in someone else’s lungs. To be the light that fills their eyes. To be the glow in the dark and the warmth on a cold winters night. To be cherished is to be someone else’s everything and to be have them be your everything in return.

He is not my happiness. That lies within me. He is so much more. He is the reason i strive to be a better me. He is my link to a life that  is filled to the brim and overflowing. He is my rock in the storm and my shelter from all that might want to do me harm. And i will do my best to show him every day that he is my heart.

she wonders

who’s face is in the mirror?

Once shining eyes now look back with less sparkle

there are fine lines where once smooth skin lived

gray shows in her once crimson hair

and she wonders

there have never been abs carved of stone

but now they are sporting spare padding

her once pert breasts hang slightly lower

and her ass once firm to the grasp has a softer tone

It is not just the outward things that make her stop

Her eyesight is not as sharp as before

Her hearing, well the radio is louder these days

and there are aches and pains where once there were none

so she wonders

How long will she turn his head before he looks and turns away

Will age and time make him see all that she fears

Or is it true that love is blind

Will he see they grey in her hair  and grimace

or does he look at it and smile

Knowing that each one marks the passing of time

The time she lives in the crook of his arm listening to the beat of his heart

She knows you can not stop time

But she wants to

Back to the moment of that first kiss

of her first night in his bed

of the first time she heard him tell someone she was his

to those moments when she forgot her age

and when she was a little lighter and tighter and sexier

at least in her own head

back before she looked in the mirror and wondered

Riding my own rollercoaster

I am beginning to think i think to much. I am a worrier. Not about life in general. The weather is what it is. People are who they are. But i worry about being a good wife. And i swear that the harder i try the more i muck it up. I worry about being a good mom and i know that sometimes i do to much. Work has these wild swings going on and i panic. It’s a new year and i am facing the taxes again and am in a full blown panic. I have not paid off the bill from last year. Not from a lack of trying but there were some extra expenses this year. I will get it though.  I need to get my home in order because the chaos is a struggle for my sanity. I need order and balance. Things need a place for my calm to function. I want to be able to invite the family over for dinner. All of our wonderful loving family. I have some minor health issues going on and i need to stop trying to handle it myself. I have family that cares and i need to stop acting like i am alone. I am far from alone.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way. You wake up in the morning and feel blessed beyond your worth. I have this man who is now my husband who is beyond good. He is kind and loving and caring and giving to a fault. He and his (our) family made Christmas wonderful for my daughter. They have shown love and kindness above any expectation. I am struggling to let go of my fear. Fear that i will not be enough. I keep battling old patterns and old demons. They have no place in this life. But old habits die hard. I had a moment the other day when i lost it. I sat in my home and dared to mentally compare the ex and his complete disinterest in finishing our home with my current and the current state of disarray. I had a moment of doubt. But why. These two are totally different. One was selfish and would not complete our home because his money went to his toys.  This one tries hard to only make me happy. And i know that in time we will have all that he has promised me. why do i lack patience? It is my fear. Fear that i will blindly follow because i hear the words i want to hear. And that i will calmly accept those words without action. But that is not the fault or flaw of my partner. That is MY flaw.

See i think to much. My heart knows my truth. I love my king and he loves me like i have never been loved before. I need to PRACTICE PATIENCE. And it is hard. I realize that it is because for years i had nothing. And now i want it all. Like a spoiled child i want all that i see is possible. But the cold hard fact is that if i do not calm the fuck down i will lose it because i will have driven him away. I need to trust in this TEAM WORK thing. And in his honesty and truth. And i need to be just as honest and truthful with him.

But mostly i just need to go home to his arms and be kissed. Long and sweet and hard and to feel that hunger. Because everything in this world is better when he kisses me.