You’re not supposed to go there. There are some things that you just know are wrong, but you go there anyways. You want what  lies ahead.

That girl is just everything you want and know you should not have. She is dark and brooding and slightly mysterious. Not really a mystery but one of those slightly off center girls. You know the kind,they put out that bad girl vibe with the promise of dirty sex but under the surface are the kind of girl you could just touch and kiss and make cum for hours. The problem is that she is way to young. Well over the legal age but when you are 40 plus anything under 30 is practily an infant. Of course that does not even come close to the issue of her being your friends daughter. Still when you are sitting there face to face talking to her you get lost. Lost in her soft dark eyes and in her cleavage. She is the perfect level of thick. Boobs like to fully ripe cantalope inside of her scoop neck top. The one that hugs them all the way around and then skims over her stomach and hips. The hips that currently are covered in dark purple velvet track pants with bell bottoms. The ones you know do not have a single piece of fabric under them. Pantie lines do not exist. Of course she is her mothers child so there would never be panties. Damn it, now your head just went there. Her ginger haired mom who does not even own a bra. Who’s nipples are always in your face, making you bite your lower lip.

Think about something else…. Ok there is always Pam. You know that she is a bitch. Most of the time she comes off as quiet an slightly insecure. But a girl knows, and that one needs a huge cock in her ass. She needs her hair pulled and to be force feed a thick meaty cock. And after you kiss the tears from her face she needs shoved face first into a wet pussy and made to eat it until it cums and is then spotlessly clean. She is the one you want to watch your King fuck. Partly because you know he secretly lusted after her and partly because you know she needs it, and would beg for more after you finished with her. Inside of that woman is a wanton harlot who likes it rough. Shit…Try again

There was the bartender chick. You want to keep her for yourself. She needs dressed in cute outfits and then paraded around a crowd of lusty people. Preferably on a shiny leash. The slut with the vibrating panties. take her to the edge and then deny her any release. Have her so hot and wanton that she begs. Kiss her, touch her and tell her no. Put her on her knees and make her eat your pussy in front of everyone. And when you have had your fill, make her cum hard while your king shoots cum all over her hair and pulls on her studded nipples. Fuck…

You wonder if you have ever told him about the red haired client that you know is one dirty girl? Her sex drive matches your own, or may even surpass it. She comes off as a tomboy. Sexy as hell. Still you know that she would be the one for a slow afternoon romp. That woman you would slowly undress, take her hair down and watch it brush the top of her hips. The one you would lay back and admire. Who’s body you would happily make rise and fall and crash into blissful orgasm over and over again and not be pissed off if you never came. Ok, well that is not fully true. You need that orgasm. Still she is…… Oh my

And there will always be Steph. Kissing her was so good. Great rack, wicked curves. A thicker girl than you but great proportions. She would be the one you and your king could share. Not rough, but slow and hot and hungry. The girl who’s sex life has been all work and little fun. It pisses you off that things did not work out. You were so close to having all that you desired. And you know that she was there too. But she found another playmate. Darn the luck…

This is the land of the untouchables. You have surfed the net, look for and found it wanting. You are hungry for the carnal and the sharing. There has yet to be the final play. One day all that you desire will happen.

Patti…. That one need duct tape and a good ass whipping. But how hot she would look mounted on your Kings pole. She would so like it… Like i said, a girl always knows.


The mental fantasy play

He loves that i am bi sexual. I have not had any female lovers since we became a couple but he it a typical male and loves the idea of it at least. Because of that we do share a very healthy fantasy life. Last night it went something like this…

Finally home and in bed. What felt like the worlds longest day was over. But i am looking at his perfect naked body laying on the bed and i can tell he has read my latest fantasy piece. With hunger i take him in my mouth and relish the sounds coming from him. Lord how i love oral sex with him. Nothing makes me hotter and more ready than a mouth full of my kings ample cock. That was until…. ” I am going to take my cock out of your pretty mouth in a minute and bury it deep in your naughty perfect pussy. I am going to make you cum, but when you do i want you to yell the name of the woman you want. Are we clear?” We were very clear.

And here is where my over processing brain went.

“Oh my god i love him, he is perfect, Fuck that feels great, So deep, so hard, so… oh shit i am going to  cum… Oh Daddy, i am going to…..NO NO NO, i don’t have a name OH hell Mary……”

His intent was to try and help me let go. To just be in the moment. I have a hard time with this. I have some bad control issues and i am learning. Thank goodness he is a patient man.But somewhere in all of that my brain had a marathon run of all of the women i know and my personal physical responses to them. UGH what a cluster fuck that was.

I find lots of different women sexy. I like curvy  brunette women. But i have been with all types, thin, curvy, tall, short. So somewhere in all of that i was trying to figure out which woman would not only i enjoy but would turn him on as well. See i am a challenge. I do not know how to be self centered even when asked to be.

What i get this morning is that my brain is wired very different when i am in the moment with him and when i am the me mind set of being with a woman. Some women i want to dominate in the worst way. Some i want to explore for hours and have multiple mutual orgasms with. And some i want to deliver to his feet and watch them cry as he trys to make them take all of his rock hard cock either in the mouth or in the ass. “trust me neither is easy”

So that is why i had a mind melt when he asked. The idea turned me on. But i could not find the emotional place i needed to be to decide which woman it would be. In that moment there was no other woman, it was simply my King and myself and that was all i needed.

One day there will be a third in this relationship. I know that. And i ma good with that. I want the ability to have a female playmate, and to share her with him and him with her. Until then we will live in this fantasy and i will keep going through the list in my head.

And honest is honest, i am more inclined at this time to find the one to deliver to his feet. As long as he lets me play with her while he is in recovery mode. I so want him after he has made another woman a quivering puddle on the floor.

Memories and Fantasies

You never know what will inspire you. Today it was a blouse that brought back some memories. Our first trip to the strip club, stripper glitter and what if’s. What follows is a fantasy of that trip and the what if’s of a visit to the back room that did not happen.


Sitting there with her in my lap, watching him grin like a cheshire cat, had my heart racing. She had mentioned the back room but i was to chicken. About then was the moment she spun around in my lap and put her hand in my bra. She explored and found my very hard nipple. The firm pinch that followed was all the inspiration i needed. With one swift movement i grabbed her hair and found her lips with mine. “Back room, NOW” i growled. I heard her catch her breath and look at me with surprise and hunger. Looking at him all i could say was ” You coming?” Huge eyes looked up at me with a wicked smile as his hard cock pointed the way.

I surveyed the landscape until i found what i wanted, 3 plush chairs in a back corner. I pointed to the corner chair and without a word he sat there. I wanted him to be trapped in that corner. He needed to see all that was about to happen. Standing next to her i took her hand and asked the rules. I wanted to be clear on what could and could not happen. When she had finished the list i nodded and stepped closer. ” Be a good girl now, I am going to kiss you” She was by no means out of her element but seemed to understand that i was in charge of what would happen. He was going to get the show of his life and i was going to enjoy every inch of her i could.

I let her know that i would not do any thing without telling her first. She had the right to decline any action. But i needed to release her firm tits from her bra. My lips found her nipple as her bra landed in his lap. She was sitting straddling my lap, the perfect angle to kiss her and lick her breasts. I so love boobs and hers were lovely. I knew he was eyeing her ass in those cheeky panties. How could you blame him for looking. It was one sweet round ass for sure. Hands and lips roamed free. Her wetness dripping on my thigh. Once again i purred in her ear and told her what i wanted next.

Standing up she slipped from her wet lace panties and placed them over his face. He inhaled deeply and smiled.Slipping into her chair facing him she swung her leg over the arm of the chair and began fingering her wet naked slit. His cock jumped in his pants. I kissed and touched her as she continued the show. I encouraged her to enjoy herself. We were going to watch and enjoy her perfection. Soon the moans of hunger slipped from her lips and i knew it was time. One my knees i slipped between his legs and released the anaconda from his strained slacks. With one lick he groaned with desire. Her eyes popped open from the sound and she let out a glorious moan. I looked back at her and smiled. “Nice isn’t it? Dear God was all she could say.

Lifting my skirt i turned around to face her and sat on his lap. His cock had no problem finding my very wet and swollen pussy. It throbbed from hunger as it swallowed his entire cock. Rolling my hips, i watched her fingers vanish inside of her glistening pussy. From behind me i heard him whisper” She is hot isn’t she my queen? Please make us all come”

Squeezing his cock tight i told him that he should tell her like he does me. Let’s see if she can come on command. My fingers found my clit and i began rocking on his cock. His hands found my ass and encouraged the rhythm. She matched our intensity and soon everyone was on the edge.  His eyes met hers and he growled “cum, you better cum NOW”

And she did. In fact we all did. I watched her gush all over her fingers. Her eyes rolled and her breast bounced as her body convulsed from the intensity of her orgasm. The sight of her caused me to then explode all over his pulsating cock and i pushed him even deeper into my throbbing pussy. I could feel him burst inside of me as he reached maximum depth.

The three of us sat there trying to catch our breath. I stood up slowly and pulled her to her feet and kissed her with the softness of a satisfied woman. Stroking her still firm nipple i Thanked her for the fun and asked it i could stroke her wet pussy. She smiled and granted me access. As my fingers found their way to her naked mound she shivered and pulled me closer. I loved the feel of her wetness and the response of her body. I was about to stop when she grabbed my hand and begged me for one more. I could only say yes. Soon we were in a heap at this feet on the floor. Our bodies taking over. There was only wanton desire and the need for more. Each of us fingers deep in the others pussy. Soon i had her sitting up and backed against the chair between his legs. His cock throbbing next to her cheek. I had burried my face in her wet pussy with three fingers deep inside. Finding just the right spot she came hard all over my mouth. His hands had found their way to her breasts and kept tweeking her nipples to encourage more intensity from her orgasm.

She curled up at his feet like as satisfied kitten. But i was still pulsing and he was still hard. So I crawled up in his lap and looked him in the eye “daddy, have i been a good girl?” He smiled and said “yes my baby girl” “Please make me cum again” i begged. With that he was deep inside of me and thrusting hard. His mouth biting at my nipples i screamed and came harder than ever as he errupted once again as deep as he could inside of my wanton cunt. I collapsed on his chest as he stroked my hair. His cock still inside of me.

From somewhere behind us we heard cheers and clapping. It seems our earlier encounter had been loud enough that we had drawn a crowd. I am sure that daddy knew all along. And that made it all even better.



Today really needs two posts but i am just to lazy for that so here goes.

On the joyful side of life, it is my kings birthday and i feel very blessed to have this man in my life. We both have a bad habit of talking to the dogs when we need to say something emotional. So today the looks at our dog and says ” Abby baby did you know that on the day dad was born you would of made 5 of him?” She is 10.4 pounds of wild child. When he was born he was just over 2 pounds of struggling to survive. He went on to tell her that he never knew he would live this long or be this happy. I do so love that man and i am grateful that we ended up in each others lives when we did. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE.

On the other side of life, I am one pissed of mama. It is clear that my daughter is moving. When is the question. And after listening to her talk she needs to fucking move. I busted my ass her entire life to give her the best i could, and like her father she only sees that this is not the life she thinks she should have. She actually said ” I never wanted to live here, I did not have a choice.” She was 3 years old when we moved, and i told her that i did not choose to move either, it was out of duty to take care of her fathers parents. I was abruptly silenced. We all need to find our way. She is unhappy and talks as if moving will fix it. It is not a change of venue she needs but a change of attitude. As her mom the best i can do is wish her well and let her go. One day she will see that it is not where you live but how you choose to live that brings you joy. She is her fathers child. I do not know if she can be happy. I hope that one day she is. But until then i will love her and give her my blessings and let that little bird with the big attitude fly.

I am going to enjoy this life. It has it’s moment when things are hard. It also has moments full of joy and blessing and laughter and that is where i choose to live. So in this moment i am  celebrating, my Kings birthday and my daughter taking a step toward her own life.


working on the inhale/exhale

Waking up at 4 am with panic attacks sucks. My gut tightens up, my chest hurts, i can’t breath and i want to scream. My brain starts rolling about all of the things in life i have no control over. And then i hear him toss and turn on his side of the bed and i just choose. I choose to slowly inhale, to take in the scent of my king and try and feel the calming effects of his presence. Then comes the exhale and with it i try to let go of all that i can not control. I focus on the important things in life. The fact that for the most part everyone is healthy. Yes we have issues but nothing we can’t survive. I Listen to him breath and know that it will all be ok. It will be ok because every day we choose. We choose to keep working at this life. The love part is easy, it’s the life part that is a challenge. I hope to find a way to stop the anxiety. Living with it is hard. But he is all i want. He keeps me grounded when my emotions attempt to fly off into the abyss. He holds my hand in the dark moments and reminds me that this is just a moment and it will pass.

I have tried not to think to much about my daughter moving away. But i have to. And what it all comes down to is… I always want her close by. She may move and find that the place she left at age 3 is no mythical land. Then again she may find a man who fills her heart and choose to stay there and have a family. Lord knows i will cry the day she has babies that i can not go hug every day. Hell i hate it when i don’t see her for a week and she only lives 8 miles away. But i have to sit back and look at it without the mom glasses. She is 25 and strong and smart and confident. She has wisdom i did not have at her age. She is sometimes smarter than i am even now at 46. So i choose… I choose to let her go without making her feel guilt for choosing her life. I want her to live every moment as if it were the last. And if that means moving, well so be it.

Life is all choice and action upon that choice. It is breathing through the rough times and laughing through the good ones. I am breathing and choosing and accepting change.

One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

a moment of verbal diarrhea.

Life is not perfect. No one is, so why do i keep trying so to hard to be the impossible? I set myself up for disappointment. I set those i love up for disappointment. I basically sabotage life.

I am tired. I hurt every day and yet i keep trying to ignore it and pretend that things are fine. I have to stop pushing so hard. But if i don’t push things won’t get done. Bills will not get paid, my house will be in a bigger mess than it is. I feel more and more like a failure in this life.

I am grateful to be so utterly in love. That is my savior in this life. A man who loves me so much. I see it in his eyes when he speaks and i know he has the same fears i do. We do not want repeats of the past. We can not take that kind of loss again. So together we keep trying. We try to hard sometimes and in doing so we mess up. But together we keep trying. And i guess that is the important part, together.

Do i miss being single? What the hell kind of question is that? I miss the simplicity of it. I do not miss the emptiness of it. Single was easy. I had no one else to think about, worry over. I got up and ate and went to work. I had singular focus. I lived in fantasy. I was wickedly sassy because i found confidence. But is was a false confidence. No one took the time to know the inside of me, the messed up scared to fail side. I have always been able to smile on the outside when my inside was dying. But these days i find it harder to lie because you see past the smile.

Single… If i were i would find a way to go back to school and learn to teach this skill i have been working at for 25 years. I would put my energy into my job and take it completely off of myself. I would no longer look for love but simply settle into existence. It would be empty and devoid of emotion. Mostly because feeling would be to hard. And no one else could fill the hole that you would have left behind. So do i miss being single? NO. Do in want to be single? NO. Do i want to be sassy again? YES. I have moments. But i think to much and i feel to much and i fail more than i succeed. And this lack of confidence is a perfect way to not be attractive to anyone. Hell i don’t even like myself at the moment.

I am afraid to make a choice or a decision because i might make it all worse. I am afraid to disappoint myself and my king. Hell i am afraid to disappoint everyone. I want to at this very moment go stand in the rain and either drown in it or have it wash away all of my fear.I am sick of the voices in my head that are only full of self doubt.

I had this conversation in my head that sickened me. I have a client who is 95 who said she married a younger man to finally have someone take care of her. I silently called her a bitter old witch. But this morning i heard my own brain say the same. I am so tired of taking care of everyone and everything. Now let me be clear… I love caring for my family. I love spoiling them. It is how i say i love you. But I …. i don’t know where this is going. I just feel so much pressure and it’s all to much. I wish i could be June Cleaver. I wish i could be my kings grandmother. Her life is and was taking care of her family. Her home is a place of sanctuary. Her meals are not just food but plates of love. Her job is their care and well being. I try but i am faced with reality. I am not some super woman. So i have a career i feel like i am failing at. My zeal for it is fading. I have a busy life that is full of love but i am overwhelmed. I have a king who loves me but i disappoint him way to often. I am not sure why he married me. I heard him make comment that he does not know why he is so afraid to grow up? Lord help me i need him to be one. I need him to be the team mate we have tried so hard to be for each other. I go home and all i see is work. A house to clean, laundry, dishes, floors, dogs to be feed, piles of things we have accumulated over time. And i am lost as to how to accomplish it all. He ask me to relax but how can i?

We go away for the weekend and end up yelling at him in frustration and fear. I hurt him when i had no cause to. I can’t even get a simple fishing trip to go smooth. I was so grateful when we returned home and he helped me put things back. That simple act let me breath. I don’t think i have been breathing since my daughter told me she is planning on moving out of state. I feel loss and it sucks. But i told her she had to follow her heart.

Enough…. I can’t spew anymore. I can’t cry right now. I have to clear my brain and get my ass to work so that i can do what i have always done and just take care of shit. Because it s my job, I am a motherfucking grown up. I am his queen, I am her mom, I am a kick ass hairdresser even though i am tired and it hurts. So i am going to breath deep and pray that i  can figure it all out. But like Scarlet O Hara i will think about it  tomorrow because today i just have to put on my big girl britches and just DO IT.