Living life in perspective

I have not been here much. I have been spending my time putting life in balance. In facing fears. In taking care of my health and of my loved ones. An in many hours of reflection. Life is feeling in better balance even though i have a couple of things that will need addressing after the holidays.

I am finally living a life of connection. I spent so much time disconnected from everything. I moved in and out of life like a ghost for years. Putting on the happy face and just existing. Then i went through the mad times when i did things i wish i could take back. But even that has taught me things. I did not do what i did to hurt anyone. I did it to see if i could. I was sure that i was the problem. That i was ugly and undesirable. I felt abandon so i dove headlong into the darkness to see if it was true. Was i  really so awful. Turns out, I am sexy and wanted. But if all you are looking for is cheap and empty you can find lots of it. Thankfully i found my loving husband who has been my greatest love and the one who reminds me about balance in life.

At this moment the only thing that feels out of balance is my relationship with my daughter who is battling her own darkness and what will happen on the job front after the new year. I know that time will be the determining factor in everything. So for now i am determined to live in focus. To live in joy. To live in this moment and let the rest take care of themselves. I am not responsible for anyone elses happiness. I am only responsible for my reaction to the events in life. And i hope to face them with dignity and kindness and loving respect for all i meet.

I want to wish you all a wonderful holiday season. As new year approaches i get giddy school girl goose bumps. I love the new beginnings. I love the reflection of the past and the unknown of tomorrow. I smile because it is when my husband proposed to me. It was the beginning of this blessed life. It marked a change in me for the better. I no longer choose to just exist but to live and that is the best gift of all.