Snow in Spring

Yesterday the weather was perfect sunshiny, warm, the slightest of a breeze and all felt right with the world. Today feels like someone flipped a switch and brought winter back. Is gray and gloomy, cold,cloudy and snowflakes falling ever so gently. Sometimes it feels like the weather knows my insides better than I do. An imperceptible swing back and forth between winter and spring. The crazy roller coaster ride in my head between joy and peace and calm and love and the uncertainty that washes over me like blankets of snow. Why can I not find that Confident Woman that existed so strongly not that long ago? Where did she go? I’m not so sure that she ever really existed. Sometimes it feels like she was a suit that I wore in the darkest time of my life. In that moment where I needed more strength than I had and there was no one there to hold me up. I put on my big-girl panties and I wore them like bravado. She comes out from time to time she shows herself in a Flash. She is a naughty text a secret video sent. Testing the waters just reaching out to see if someone reaches back. Sometimes there is a response and she is wrapped up in love and passion and she blossoms and becomes even bolder and sassier than before. And sometimes there is no response and she Withers like a flower left out in the sun too long a plant denied water the fish gasping and flapping on the bank so little it would take to bring it back to its beautiful self.

I’m irritated with myself, irritated that I seem to require so much from someone else. That I need that constant reassurance that I am valuable that I am loved that I am wanted. It’s dumb I’m a smart and Confident Woman all on my own. I’m strong and independent. But here’s the reality I am not meant to be alone. I was designed to be loved to love in return with the wholeness of myself. But I also acknowledge that in loving someone so completely you do lose something some part of yourself. I feel stronger when I’m on my own because there is only me and I have to be. But with him I feel so fragile sometimes. Is it okay if I am not meant to support myself but to be cradled in someone else’s strength. To be honest that scares me. To be so Reliant upon someone else. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I cannot always find my sexy confident diva inner Beast and I have surrendered my all to another.

I know he loves that Confident Woman. He finds her sexy appealing desirable. I don’t feel much like her right now and I wonder if that is part of the problem. I know that both of those women exist in me they are two halves that make me whole. And personally I’m trying to find both sides of Me In Balance but at the moment the weak and fragile in is in firm control. The one who needs to be wrapped in his arms smothered in kisses tell her she’s beautiful made love to under a mountain of covers the snow falling outside. The other part of me peaked out not long ago and honestly it got me nowhere. That’s because life doesn’t play fair it puts too much stress in places that shouldn’t exist it makes a person feel Less in control, almost powerless when that is the farthest from the truth. I am going to find my blossoms I am going to find the sunshine that makes the snow melt and brings flowers to full bloom.

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Learning what the dream means

I’ve had some version of the same dream for months now. I’m always in a vehicle, a car, a boat something. and I’m always way in the back and no one is in the front. We’re cruising along and life is fine. I’m not worried about anyting I’m just enjoying the ride. At some point something gets my attention and I find myself crawling over the seat from the back of a station wagon or minivan or the boat calmly making my way to the wheel or a brake pedal to gain control of this vehicle. Usually that’s when I wake up.

I’ve been trying to understand what’s this craziness means. And after weighing a million possibilities I have finally come to a conclusion. I’ve always known that those vehicles where symbol of my life. I could never figure out why I’m always hanging out in the back and why when there is some kind of supposed crisis I’m so calm making my way to the driver’s seat.

I grew up in chaos. I was always the calm one, the level-headed one. I was always the one who handled the situation and if necessary had a meltdown later. Once I was married life was structured, organized. there was almost never chaos and I never felt so out of control of my life as I did then. During that time someone else was in control and I simply was along for the ride.

It is clear ,to me at least, that my life is pretty calm, peaceful, easy going. I live in love and acceptance. So I guess that’s why I never seemed stressed out in my dreams. Trust me when I tell you that I have mental anxiety every day of my life. But in that dream,in those vehicles, I am calm. I still have no idea who is supposed to be driving the damn car.. maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s no one and that’s how life is supposed to be.

So no I don’t have it all figured out, I’m still sitting here running through the images in my brain in trying to make them make sense in the waking world. But now I welcome that dream. I hope that it returns with some clarity. I’m glad that the dreaming me is not the anxious me that exists when I’m awake. But I do love the knowledge then at some point in my existence I am calm, I am letting go.

Disconnected and distracted

Life is not the best when you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Over the last couple of weeks I have not been sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure it’s just stress-related from getting the taxes ready to go to the accountant. Also like usual life is busy full of events coming up. There are family birthdays and anniversaries there are business trips and side jobs that must be done. But somehow I feel like I am functioning on autopilot. And please do not get me wrong I love the busyness of my life because to me every moment feels like it is a life lived to its fullest but I can feel the need for just a few moments of slow down. For me most of the time that is a fishing trip but even that is work. Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old who has been told that they are now president and everything is on their shoulders. They’re ill-equipped and unprepared for the challenges ahead of them especially given a job of that magnitude. I on the other hand and just a 48 year-old woman who is managing life and yet it feels somehow overwhelming. I even hate to hear myself say that I need a break or a helping hand. And right now if someone were to ask me what they could do to help in all honesty I cannot think of a single thing. Okay maybe a magical house cleaning fairy that would be great. Then when I got home all I would have to think about is cooking dinner. I hear myself say these words I see them hit the page and somehow I feel like a whiny spoiled brat and that annoys me. My life is good it is abundant and filled with love and hard work and family and friends all of the things a person should be thrilled with. And right now all I want is to sleep for 3 Days uninterrupted or to get a massage and a glass of wine. To be honest I just want to have a moment or 10 where I am not responsible. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else or the dogs or the bills but that is not realistic. I talked to Grandma about the importance of taking care of herself because if there is no grandma in good health then there is no one to take care of the family which is what gives her Joy. But I feel I am not taking my own advice. I need a soak in the hot springs. I need a joint on the roof under the stars with someone else having cooked dinner and done the dishes. With someone else having thought about Motel plans or booking the dog into the kennel or what clothes have to go on which trip. But I also realize I’m a control freak and need things done now rather than later and now is usually NOT on everyone else’s agenda because they have their own stuff. About right now I would settle for some candles and a drink and a long soak in a hot bath. I’m pretty sure that might help with one really good night sleep and then I would feel better equipped to face all of the adventures ahead of me. So until I get one or two or ten solid night’s sleep I’m just going to put on my big-girl britches and deal with it because I love this life, I wanted this life. And I would not give it up for the world.