Disconnected and distracted

Life is not the best when you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Over the last couple of weeks I have not been sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure it’s just stress-related from getting the taxes ready to go to the accountant. Also like usual life is busy full of events coming up. There are family birthdays and anniversaries there are business trips and side jobs that must be done. But somehow I feel like I am functioning on autopilot. And please do not get me wrong I love the busyness of my life because to me every moment feels like it is a life lived to its fullest but I can feel the need for just a few moments of slow down. For me most of the time that is a fishing trip but even that is work. Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old who has been told that they are now president and everything is on their shoulders. They’re ill-equipped and unprepared for the challenges ahead of them especially given a job of that magnitude. I on the other hand and just a 48 year-old woman who is managing life and yet it feels somehow overwhelming. I even hate to hear myself say that I need a break or a helping hand. And right now if someone were to ask me what they could do to help in all honesty I cannot think of a single thing. Okay maybe a magical house cleaning fairy that would be great. Then when I got home all I would have to think about is cooking dinner. I hear myself say these words I see them hit the page and somehow I feel like a whiny spoiled brat and that annoys me. My life is good it is abundant and filled with love and hard work and family and friends all of the things a person should be thrilled with. And right now all I want is to sleep for 3 Days uninterrupted or to get a massage and a glass of wine. To be honest I just want to have a moment or 10 where I am not responsible. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else or the dogs or the bills but that is not realistic. I talked to Grandma about the importance of taking care of herself because if there is no grandma in good health then there is no one to take care of the family which is what gives her Joy. But I feel I am not taking my own advice. I need a soak in the hot springs. I need a joint on the roof under the stars with someone else having cooked dinner and done the dishes. With someone else having thought about Motel plans or booking the dog into the kennel or what clothes have to go on which trip. But I also realize I’m a control freak and need things done now rather than later and now is usually NOT on everyone else’s agenda because they have their own stuff. About right now I would settle for some candles and a drink and a long soak in a hot bath. I’m pretty sure that might help with one really good night sleep and then I would feel better equipped to face all of the adventures ahead of me. So until I get one or two or ten solid night’s sleep I’m just going to put on my big-girl britches and deal with it because I love this life, I wanted this life. And I would not give it up for the world.


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