Snow in Spring

Yesterday the weather was perfect sunshiny, warm, the slightest of a breeze and all felt right with the world. Today feels like someone flipped a switch and brought winter back. Is gray and gloomy, cold,cloudy and snowflakes falling ever so gently. Sometimes it feels like the weather knows my insides better than I do. An imperceptible swing back and forth between winter and spring. The crazy roller coaster ride in my head between joy and peace and calm and love and the uncertainty that washes over me like blankets of snow. Why can I not find that Confident Woman that existed so strongly not that long ago? Where did she go? I’m not so sure that she ever really existed. Sometimes it feels like she was a suit that I wore in the darkest time of my life. In that moment where I needed more strength than I had and there was no one there to hold me up. I put on my big-girl panties and I wore them like bravado. She comes out from time to time she shows herself in a Flash. She is a naughty text a secret video sent. Testing the waters just reaching out to see if someone reaches back. Sometimes there is a response and she is wrapped up in love and passion and she blossoms and becomes even bolder and sassier than before. And sometimes there is no response and she Withers like a flower left out in the sun too long a plant denied water the fish gasping and flapping on the bank so little it would take to bring it back to its beautiful self.

I’m irritated with myself, irritated that I seem to require so much from someone else. That I need that constant reassurance that I am valuable that I am loved that I am wanted. It’s dumb I’m a smart and Confident Woman all on my own. I’m strong and independent. But here’s the reality I am not meant to be alone. I was designed to be loved to love in return with the wholeness of myself. But I also acknowledge that in loving someone so completely you do lose something some part of yourself. I feel stronger when I’m on my own because there is only me and I have to be. But with him I feel so fragile sometimes. Is it okay if I am not meant to support myself but to be cradled in someone else’s strength. To be honest that scares me. To be so Reliant upon someone else. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I cannot always find my sexy confident diva inner Beast and I have surrendered my all to another.

I know he loves that Confident Woman. He finds her sexy appealing desirable. I don’t feel much like her right now and I wonder if that is part of the problem. I know that both of those women exist in me they are two halves that make me whole. And personally I’m trying to find both sides of Me In Balance but at the moment the weak and fragile in is in firm control. The one who needs to be wrapped in his arms smothered in kisses tell her she’s beautiful made love to under a mountain of covers the snow falling outside. The other part of me peaked out not long ago and honestly it got me nowhere. That’s because life doesn’t play fair it puts too much stress in places that shouldn’t exist it makes a person feel Less in control, almost powerless when that is the farthest from the truth. I am going to find my blossoms I am going to find the sunshine that makes the snow melt and brings flowers to full bloom.


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