loneyheart

I hate feeling weak. I hate the idea that I am somehow incapable of doing the things I want to do. But the reality is I cannot always do everything my brain thinks it can. I have arthritis and it sucks. I have grown accustomed to living in pain everyday. But there are days like yesterday where the pain level spikes and I am no longer in control. No matter how hard I try, it seems to suck the life out of me and it makes me one grumpy human being. As always there things I can do to help mitigate the intensity. But somewhere along the line my pride and arrogance got in the way. I refuse to look like a decrepit old woman. I refuse to sound like one or act like one or in any way be less than a dominant force of nature. It was almost to soul-crushing I have to ask my husband to put kinetic tape on my back. Because somewhere in my head well that’s just not sexy. It’s more than just the physical pain it’s the emotional pain of being not able to do everything I want and feeling old and less than. A battle in my head was he wanting to be 10 years younger it’s Fierce and sexy and wonderful. I fear that the reality is going to catch up with me one day and he will realize that he did indeed marry an old woman. This woman with joints that are on fire that ache no scream every time she moves. I will keep up with him because that is what I choose to do. Because that is what keeps the old way or at least locks it in the closet for a few more days. Yesterday was hard. I was tired I hurt in ways I had not hurt in a while. I was overwhelmed by everyone and everything and I lost my cool on more than one occasion. I don’t like this side of me she is a nasty bitch. And after a long conversation with many tears I had dinner medication and a hot bath. Today I am back to my normal level of pain. Or whatever is normal at the moment and I wish I could take yesterday back. Actually I wish that I could stop hurting, and just enjoy the moments, and stop being an old lady. It’s hard to feel sexy and dominant powerful when you hurt. It’s hard to walk into a room and command presence when all you want to do is go to bed and lay down but in all honesty that is more painful than standing. I will not stop moving because when I do I’ll be done and I have so much Life to Live yet. I am only 50 well not quite yet but soon and I feel some days to be in worse shape than some of my sweet ninety-year-old clients and I wonder how many days do I have ahead of me how much time do I have with a sweet wonderful husband for the old Creeps in and he shakes his head walks away and says well that ride was fun but now it’s broken. He will think that I don’t trust him or that his love for me is somehow less because I’m falling apart and I know it’s not true. But at some point he’s going to realize that he tethered himself to a sinking ship. So these are my fears this is my reality and I have to learn to take each and every day one step at a time. Some of the steps will be light and bouncy and full of joy and some of those steps will hurt every tiny movement but I will not stop I will not surrender I will not give up. I’m a fighter I always have been and I will fight until there is no space left for battle