Showing gratitude

As I look around this world today I wonder how we got here. It feels as if we are divided buy so many things. But today the thing that sticks out to me the most is that we seem to be divided into two groups the givers and the takers. We live in a me first Society or better yet be what about me crowd. While it is not wrong to look out for your best interest the failure comes when we forget to thank those who help us get where we’re going. The simple words thank you often go far but do they go far enough? When in life do we make the effort to make sure that our actions meet our words? I refuse to make this a list of do this don’t do that because as grown adults I’m sure we can figure out appropriate ways to let those around us know they are loved and appreciated. What this is is simply the spark of a conversation. To make a stop and think about what we do or what we don’t do. How to make us consider our efforts great or small and how they affect those around us. If you’re a giver remember there is only so much of you to give and at some point you will start to burn out and what follows is bitterness which will eat at your giving soul. Takers need to understand that we give out of love and out of want and that you can use that up. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with being a taker you have to understand that without giving back there will be no one to take from. At some point we exhaust all of our resources. Whether they are natural resources from our own environment or whether they are the resource of humanity. I know for myself that I tend to give out of love and the simple joy of giving. I love to see the happiness in someone’s face when I can accomplish something that makes your life easier or give them something that they have wanted. But it is also a selfish act for me because giving fills empty spaces in my life. I have to remind myself do not give Beyond. What does that mean? It means giving where giving is not necessary in doing for others when it is not required because it gives me joy but it also sets up false expectations in myself. I recognize that sometimes I give with the expectation of receiving. That action sets person I’m giving to up for failure and me for disappointment. You also have to be prepared that if you choose to stop giving some people will take themselves out of your life. You will find that there are those in your life who are simply there to receive because they know of your generous soul. And after having given until your cup is empty and you finally extract yourself from the habit they may choose to walk away. While you find this painful remember that true love and true devotion does not come from giving and taking. It does not keep measure it does not keep track. Generosity of heart should not come with expectations of return. So today as you go out into your world give without wanted return. Be generous for generosity sake. Be kind, be loving, be sharing, and remember to always be grateful.

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Chameleon ch.2

Teacher was never in a rush. Pushing was counter productive. As much as some of her students tantalize her, they were not here for her pleasure. She was here to help them find their way, to discover for themselves their sexual path. This one made her hungry. She had raw untapped sexuality just under the surface.

Her student was barely holding it in. Proper was the word that rang in her ears. When teacher had her change clothes she nearly lost control. Just the brush of fingers on her bare skin made her sex ache and pulse, and moisten. She was sure her excitement could be smelled. It frightened her but made her only want more.

Absent mindedly the students fingers brushed back and forth across her chest. It sparked nerve endings that set off a fire storm in her body. She No longer heard the words Teacher spoke. Her eyes willed the buttons that strained under Teachers full bust to burst open. She silently licked her lips as she watched Teachers red pump dangle from perfectly manicured toes.

Teacher watched her student as they spoke. Her words and body no longer in sync. It was clear that the time has come. Learning forward caused her button to finally surrender to the pressure. The pop caused both to laugh, easing the silent tension. Taking her students hands in hers she looked into her eyes and asked” do you want to touch me?”

As she exhaled the deepest sigh ever,the student felt the release of fear and whispered “yes please”. Easing closer together on the couch,her student reached up and traced the outline of her teachers face. Her eyes questioned her own movements, she was uncertain, she begged for directions.

Being the wise teacher she could read her students eyes, feel the uncertain hunger in her touch. It was time to show her the path and nudge her when necessary. Lifting her chin she gently kissed her students perfectly pouting lips. Gentle at first, letting the hunger rise with each touch. She did not lead the pace but let her pupil unknowingly take the lead. Her roll was not to direct but be a safe place for her student to explore.

Kissing led to tentative touching. Fingertips set on fire with desire. Which allowed her student to slide past her mental block and fall headlong into her deep hidden carnal desires. No words were needed. Permission had already been granted for her pupil to go wherever her passion took them.

Undressing was soft and slow, allowing each to explore. It was the first time her student had not only seen but been able to touch another woman. She did not want to miss anything. She kissed and licked and sucked at her teachers breasts. They were soft and heavy in her hands. So entranced by them she almost did not want to move on. Once naked her teacher made her stop and stand naked in front of the mirror. You need to see your beauty, her teacher said. Above all else know your value. This is your flesh to use as you wish. It is not an idle playground. But you are a temple to worship whether you share yourself with a man or woman. As she stood there She saw her beauty, she felt the power she held, and in that moment she became herself.

Turning the student took the lead, placing one hand behind the teachers waist and the other in the soft wetness of her teachers cunt. Her fingers sliding in and out of her mound. She felt powerful as the moans of want escaped teachers lips. She led her to the couch and once there began licking gently at the wet pulsing pussy before her. It was tentative to begin,but soon she was lost in the aroma and taste. She did not want to quit, but teacher new better. Your turn my dear was her directive. She started to panic,no one had ever touched her much less licked her. Her body betrayed her completely as teachers tongue skilfully tasted her. In an instant she came. Her body rolling with pleasure and shame. Her head trying to take from her the joy of her first lesbian orgasm. Tears escaped as she felt shame at her own desire.

Teacher scooped her into her arms and held her. Letting her ride the emotions. Here you were encouraged to feel everything so you made educated choices. As her tears subsided teacher asked,”do you wish to continue?” “Again please” was the answer.

The night rolled into one orgasm after another as her student gave and received. Each one teaching her more about her own body and what felt good and what she did not enjoy. It gave her words to go with her desire. It gave her power because knowledge is power. Eventually exhausted, teacher dressed her student and called her a taxi. As they waited they talked about the possibility of future lessons. But teacher encouraged her to find like minded friends and to embrace what ever sexual choices she felt moved by. Kissing her goodby she smiled because she had just witnessed the birth of a woman.

Lessons will follow. I am not a writer. I am a story teller. So please excuse the errors. I am not hung up on perfection. Nothing in life is….

Being a sexual chameleon

Damn, she sighed, why am I even awake? After last night I should be sound asleep until at least noon. She smiled thinking about the night before. Her job was, far from normal. It was not what her family might have chosen for her, in fact if they knew they would lose their minds, but she loved it.

It took some time for her to find her to calling. After years of a discontented marriage, a career that she loved but was ready to walk away from, and finally becoming comfortable in her own skin she realized something. She likes sex! No this was not a surprise. She had always liked sex but she had also always had this fascination with roleplay. The older she got the more she realized that everyone had that something that made them tick. That thing that made their engine rev like nothing else. It had started out innocently enough she read tons of stories she played with a few friends mostly she was navigating herself trying on different personas to see what stuck. She knew that honestly she what’s a cock sucker okay maybe a pussy licker to but she loved giving oral like nothing else. it literally caused her body to stream like a fountain and whatever was underneath her was going to have a puddle.

After some time and great word of mouth she began to accumulate quite a following. She hated the word client. It sounded so formal. What happened here was an exploration of one’s sexual self. She helped people explore and find their own sexual self.

Everyone was different. Some were dominant, others submissive. There were pets, babies,cos players. Players, and virgins. Some wanted to explore bisexuality, anal play or bondage. Her favorite were the couple’s exploring the art of sharing. It always amazed her how little people really new about their own sexual desires. And how hard they found it to talk about what they wanted. And yet she knew that there was a difference between sex during exploration and the sexual connectivity with that someone special. Even she lost her words with her King. Her desire was to please him. Often she felt she fell short. Ugh… Helping others explore was always easier. She lost herself in the play. Becoming what they needed seemed easy. It was exhilarating to dive into conversation with a client, to pick out what they would not admit to, but secretly wanted. To help them find their words and to then put it into action. To perform their desires like a passion play. She became a sexual chameleon, morphing into what ever was needed.

Last night had been long and slow. A younger woman who had never been active and was torn with lesbian cravings. Her body was at war with her clerical upbringing. They talked for hours about faith and desire. About finding one’s own space and peace. She had chosen her outfit with great care. A pencil skirt, classic red pumps, and a silk button down blouse. Authoritative with an edge. Her bust strained at the buttons. Red lace bra peaked out and matched her cheeky boy short lace panties. They were soft to the touch and created hunger to the eyes. Her young client was clearly uncomfortable in her own skin as she wore leggings, slip on shoes and a shapeless sweater. Nothing about her screamed sex, it did not even whisper. A visit to the closet was step one. Favorite colors found. Fabrics that enticed her fingertips. A short shift dress that grazed a soft thigh, and a deeply v’d neck line that showed the full upper curve of pert young breasts. Bare feet and an ankle chain were the perfect combination. Innocent but flirty.

The teacher and student taking each step as it came. Clothes, hair, makeup,perfume,how to walk and sit. How to listen with interest when someone spoke. Learning to lean in, the magic of a properly timed touch. It is true that some of it was not necessary, but they were painting a canvas, setting the scene for her young student. A place where she felt comfortable and confident. Where she could let herself feel rather than think.

There was more to come. Just what? I guess you will have to check back in to see.

I know

I know you like I have known no one else. I know the map of your face, the wicked smile that shows up when you are full of mischief. I know how your eyes sparkle when you are excited. I also know the fire in them when you are angry. My fingersĀ  know every inch of your skin. I am pretty sure that I could pick you out blindfolded simply touching your hand.

You know how my funny brain works it wanders down paths no one else would take. It can go from a bright sunshiny place to the darkest of caves in an instant. I had a moment the other day wondering what life would be like without you in my world. I came to the conclusion that after being the calm and responsible adult and putting all of our business in order but the world would probably find me curled up on your grave no longer breathing because I could not live without you.

I never understood what it meant to have someone else be your other half but now I do. I’m pretty sure that you are the half of me that is my heart and my lungs. Without you there is simply no existence.

So often people try to make life some fairytale, some version of a storybook Romance, that is not life. Life is filled with work barking dogs laundry dishes family obligations chores. And yet somewhere in there we find those moments that are magical. The ones where a simple kiss sweeps you off your feet. To me those moments are the frosting on the cake of life.

Your goal in life it seems is to make sure that everyone is happy. It is part of your soul that I find Sweet and endearing. It is also part of you that I find frustrating because continuous happiness is simply illogical. I believe that the moments that hurt are the ones that make us stronger. They are the building blocks of true love, of lasting relationships. They make us stronger. They force us to take off the rose-colored glasses and to communicate even when it’s hard. And we do. That is why I know we will always be together, because we choose to put in the work.

I love you my king

Snow in Spring

Yesterday the weather was perfect sunshiny, warm, the slightest of a breeze and all felt right with the world. Today feels like someone flipped a switch and brought winter back. Is gray and gloomy, cold,cloudy and snowflakes falling ever so gently. Sometimes it feels like the weather knows my insides better than I do. An imperceptible swing back and forth between winter and spring. The crazy roller coaster ride in my head between joy and peace and calm and love and the uncertainty that washes over me like blankets of snow. Why can I not find that Confident Woman that existed so strongly not that long ago? Where did she go? I’m not so sure that she ever really existed. Sometimes it feels like she was a suit that I wore in the darkest time of my life. In that moment where I needed more strength than I had and there was no one there to hold me up. I put on my big-girl panties and I wore them like bravado. She comes out from time to time she shows herself in a Flash. She is a naughty text a secret video sent. Testing the waters just reaching out to see if someone reaches back. Sometimes there is a response and she is wrapped up in love and passion and she blossoms and becomes even bolder and sassier than before. And sometimes there is no response and she Withers like a flower left out in the sun too long a plant denied water the fish gasping and flapping on the bank so little it would take to bring it back to its beautiful self.

I’m irritated with myself, irritated that I seem to require so much from someone else. That I need that constant reassurance that I am valuable that I am loved that I am wanted. It’s dumb I’m a smart and Confident Woman all on my own. I’m strong and independent. But here’s the reality I am not meant to be alone. I was designed to be loved to love in return with the wholeness of myself. But I also acknowledge that in loving someone so completely you do lose something some part of yourself. I feel stronger when I’m on my own because there is only me and I have to be. But with him I feel so fragile sometimes. Is it okay if I am not meant to support myself but to be cradled in someone else’s strength. To be honest that scares me. To be so Reliant upon someone else. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I cannot always find my sexy confident diva inner Beast and I have surrendered my all to another.

I know he loves that Confident Woman. He finds her sexy appealing desirable. I don’t feel much like her right now and I wonder if that is part of the problem. I know that both of those women exist in me they are two halves that make me whole. And personally I’m trying to find both sides of Me In Balance but at the moment the weak and fragile in is in firm control. The one who needs to be wrapped in his arms smothered in kisses tell her she’s beautiful made love to under a mountain of covers the snow falling outside. The other part of me peaked out not long ago and honestly it got me nowhere. That’s because life doesn’t play fair it puts too much stress in places that shouldn’t exist it makes a person feel Less in control, almost powerless when that is the farthest from the truth. I am going to find my blossoms I am going to find the sunshine that makes the snow melt and brings flowers to full bloom.

Learning what the dream means

I’ve had some version of the same dream for months now. I’m always in a vehicle, a car, a boat something. and I’m always way in the back and no one is in the front. We’re cruising along and life is fine. I’m not worried about anyting I’m just enjoying the ride. At some point something gets my attention and I find myself crawling over the seat from the back of a station wagon or minivan or the boat calmly making my way to the wheel or a brake pedal to gain control of this vehicle. Usually that’s when I wake up.

I’ve been trying to understand what’s this craziness means. And after weighing a million possibilities I have finally come to a conclusion. I’ve always known that those vehicles where symbol of my life. I could never figure out why I’m always hanging out in the back and why when there is some kind of supposed crisis I’m so calm making my way to the driver’s seat.

I grew up in chaos. I was always the calm one, the level-headed one. I was always the one who handled the situation and if necessary had a meltdown later. Once I was married life was structured, organized. there was almost never chaos and I never felt so out of control of my life as I did then. During that time someone else was in control and I simply was along for the ride.

It is clear ,to me at least, that my life is pretty calm, peaceful, easy going. I live in love and acceptance. So I guess that’s why I never seemed stressed out in my dreams. Trust me when I tell you that I have mental anxiety every day of my life. But in that dream,in those vehicles, I am calm. I still have no idea who is supposed to be driving the damn car.. maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s no one and that’s how life is supposed to be.

So no I don’t have it all figured out, I’m still sitting here running through the images in my brain in trying to make them make sense in the waking world. But now I welcome that dream. I hope that it returns with some clarity. I’m glad that the dreaming me is not the anxious me that exists when I’m awake. But I do love the knowledge then at some point in my existence I am calm, I am letting go.

Disconnected and distracted

Life is not the best when you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Over the last couple of weeks I have not been sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure it’s just stress-related from getting the taxes ready to go to the accountant. Also like usual life is busy full of events coming up. There are family birthdays and anniversaries there are business trips and side jobs that must be done. But somehow I feel like I am functioning on autopilot. And please do not get me wrong I love the busyness of my life because to me every moment feels like it is a life lived to its fullest but I can feel the need for just a few moments of slow down. For me most of the time that is a fishing trip but even that is work. Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old who has been told that they are now president and everything is on their shoulders. They’re ill-equipped and unprepared for the challenges ahead of them especially given a job of that magnitude. I on the other hand and just a 48 year-old woman who is managing life and yet it feels somehow overwhelming. I even hate to hear myself say that I need a break or a helping hand. And right now if someone were to ask me what they could do to help in all honesty I cannot think of a single thing. Okay maybe a magical house cleaning fairy that would be great. Then when I got home all I would have to think about is cooking dinner. I hear myself say these words I see them hit the page and somehow I feel like a whiny spoiled brat and that annoys me. My life is good it is abundant and filled with love and hard work and family and friends all of the things a person should be thrilled with. And right now all I want is to sleep for 3 Days uninterrupted or to get a massage and a glass of wine. To be honest I just want to have a moment or 10 where I am not responsible. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else or the dogs or the bills but that is not realistic. I talked to Grandma about the importance of taking care of herself because if there is no grandma in good health then there is no one to take care of the family which is what gives her Joy. But I feel I am not taking my own advice. I need a soak in the hot springs. I need a joint on the roof under the stars with someone else having cooked dinner and done the dishes. With someone else having thought about Motel plans or booking the dog into the kennel or what clothes have to go on which trip. But I also realize I’m a control freak and need things done now rather than later and now is usually NOT on everyone else’s agenda because they have their own stuff. About right now I would settle for some candles and a drink and a long soak in a hot bath. I’m pretty sure that might help with one really good night sleep and then I would feel better equipped to face all of the adventures ahead of me. So until I get one or two or ten solid night’s sleep I’m just going to put on my big-girl britches and deal with it because I love this life, I wanted this life. And I would not give it up for the world.

Failure

I am a grown-ass woman, and most days I’m proud of that. But there are days when I have deep regrets. I tried my best to be a good mother and somehow I failed. If I only knew the reasons why maybe I could fix it, then again maybe I can’t. Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed, I don’t know. But today it hurts deeply.

Yesterday would have been my sister-in-law’s birthday. Sadly she never got to see life past 13 months. I listen to the phone conversation between my husband and father-in-law and hear the pain sadness and both of their voices. The conversations they have felt what might have been. The talk of the fact that there are no grandchildren. And it breaks my heart. My failure is a mother seems Amplified somehow. The fact that I don’t have the physical ability to try again somehow feels like fitting punishment. Almost as if we’re good Lord knew that I didn’t get it right the first time and I shouldn’t be allowed the fuk it up again. My sweet husband and I have had this conversation more then once and he tells me that he does not regret not having children. But on days like yesterday I wonder. Today my heart is just filled with sadness for the Lost. The Lost daughters the Lost possibilities. I’m working on acceptance, acceptance of that which I cannot change. If you are a parent hug your children, tell them you love them and know that nothing is promised nothing is guaranteed. And if my daughter ever manages to find this and read it I love you my child with all my heart. I always will. So until miracles happen I will just go home and hug my four-legged babies and be grateful ffirfor what I had when I had it

The day after ache

Dear Lord, sitting is an adventure. Last night was one of those nights were be both gave into the deepest of our desires, and today I am paying the price. And yes I love it.

The bruises are just beginning to show. Every mark is a sign of his love and desire. And I know he is feeling some of the same twinges. I am always swept away by his desire and passion and his openness. Some may not consider it manly to be on the receiving end of ass play. Personally I find it deeply erotic and it makes me even hotter to play with him. Today we recover and share naughty knowing smiles. Tomorrow is another chance to explore yet another fantasy. To feel even closer as we find new ways to bring each other pleasure beyond measure.

This magical Life

Each and every day that passes for me is a gift with this man. No things are not perfect. He drives me crazy sometimes.

But i know that every day he loves me with every part of himself. I know because he tells me. He shows me with his kindness and with his actions. He shows me with the tenderness of his touch and the gentleness of his words. We live a charmed life. It is a simple life. There are no fancy houses or cars, but we have all we need because at the end of the day we have each other. Our home is modest but filled with love and dog hair.

. I do not want to imagine my life without him in it. In him i have a partner, a friend. Someone who i can share all of my secrets with. Someone i can share all of my fantasy with and not fear that i will suffer shame for my desires. This level of honesty is why i love this man. I do not need to hide a single thing from him. Even the dark recess of my past do not scare him away. He has held me though tears and sadness and still loved me in the morning.

As each day passes i worry less and less that he loves me because he is one spoiled man and i realize more and more that he loves me for me. Yes he is my King and treated as such. But i am his queen and he loves me with the gentle reverence that a queen deserves. He also love me like the naughty little slut i am. He is my Daddy, and i his Baby girl. I am his sexy cougar Mommy and he my hot Cubby stud. We are not a list of titles but the perfect balance to the other ones needs and desires.

He is my peace. Never in this life have i had such a solid grasp on what happiness is. I am not trying to make someone happy so that the love me. I am simply being my truest self and i am loved because of it. Yes i worry about money and health and life and our future and things i have no control over. But most of all i know that with his hand in mine the future will take care of itself. He is my heart and my breath and my devotion. I love you, one day, one breath, one moment at a time. From now until the stars fall from the sky.

 

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