I know

I know you like I have known no one else. I know the map of your face, the wicked smile that shows up when you are full of mischief. I know how your eyes sparkle when you are excited. I also know the fire in them when you are angry. My fingersĀ  know every inch of your skin. I am pretty sure that I could pick you out blindfolded simply touching your hand.

You know how my funny brain works it wanders down paths no one else would take. It can go from a bright sunshiny place to the darkest of caves in an instant. I had a moment the other day wondering what life would be like without you in my world. I came to the conclusion that after being the calm and responsible adult and putting all of our business in order but the world would probably find me curled up on your grave no longer breathing because I could not live without you.

I never understood what it meant to have someone else be your other half but now I do. I’m pretty sure that you are the half of me that is my heart and my lungs. Without you there is simply no existence.

So often people try to make life some fairytale, some version of a storybook Romance, that is not life. Life is filled with work barking dogs laundry dishes family obligations chores. And yet somewhere in there we find those moments that are magical. The ones where a simple kiss sweeps you off your feet. To me those moments are the frosting on the cake of life.

Your goal in life it seems is to make sure that everyone is happy. It is part of your soul that I find Sweet and endearing. It is also part of you that I find frustrating because continuous happiness is simply illogical. I believe that the moments that hurt are the ones that make us stronger. They are the building blocks of true love, of lasting relationships. They make us stronger. They force us to take off the rose-colored glasses and to communicate even when it’s hard. And we do. That is why I know we will always be together, because we choose to put in the work.

I love you my king

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Snow in Spring

Yesterday the weather was perfect sunshiny, warm, the slightest of a breeze and all felt right with the world. Today feels like someone flipped a switch and brought winter back. Is gray and gloomy, cold,cloudy and snowflakes falling ever so gently. Sometimes it feels like the weather knows my insides better than I do. An imperceptible swing back and forth between winter and spring. The crazy roller coaster ride in my head between joy and peace and calm and love and the uncertainty that washes over me like blankets of snow. Why can I not find that Confident Woman that existed so strongly not that long ago? Where did she go? I’m not so sure that she ever really existed. Sometimes it feels like she was a suit that I wore in the darkest time of my life. In that moment where I needed more strength than I had and there was no one there to hold me up. I put on my big-girl panties and I wore them like bravado. She comes out from time to time she shows herself in a Flash. She is a naughty text a secret video sent. Testing the waters just reaching out to see if someone reaches back. Sometimes there is a response and she is wrapped up in love and passion and she blossoms and becomes even bolder and sassier than before. And sometimes there is no response and she Withers like a flower left out in the sun too long a plant denied water the fish gasping and flapping on the bank so little it would take to bring it back to its beautiful self.

I’m irritated with myself, irritated that I seem to require so much from someone else. That I need that constant reassurance that I am valuable that I am loved that I am wanted. It’s dumb I’m a smart and Confident Woman all on my own. I’m strong and independent. But here’s the reality I am not meant to be alone. I was designed to be loved to love in return with the wholeness of myself. But I also acknowledge that in loving someone so completely you do lose something some part of yourself. I feel stronger when I’m on my own because there is only me and I have to be. But with him I feel so fragile sometimes. Is it okay if I am not meant to support myself but to be cradled in someone else’s strength. To be honest that scares me. To be so Reliant upon someone else. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I cannot always find my sexy confident diva inner Beast and I have surrendered my all to another.

I know he loves that Confident Woman. He finds her sexy appealing desirable. I don’t feel much like her right now and I wonder if that is part of the problem. I know that both of those women exist in me they are two halves that make me whole. And personally I’m trying to find both sides of Me In Balance but at the moment the weak and fragile in is in firm control. The one who needs to be wrapped in his arms smothered in kisses tell her she’s beautiful made love to under a mountain of covers the snow falling outside. The other part of me peaked out not long ago and honestly it got me nowhere. That’s because life doesn’t play fair it puts too much stress in places that shouldn’t exist it makes a person feel Less in control, almost powerless when that is the farthest from the truth. I am going to find my blossoms I am going to find the sunshine that makes the snow melt and brings flowers to full bloom.

Learning what the dream means

I’ve had some version of the same dream for months now. I’m always in a vehicle, a car, a boat something. and I’m always way in the back and no one is in the front. We’re cruising along and life is fine. I’m not worried about anyting I’m just enjoying the ride. At some point something gets my attention and I find myself crawling over the seat from the back of a station wagon or minivan or the boat calmly making my way to the wheel or a brake pedal to gain control of this vehicle. Usually that’s when I wake up.

I’ve been trying to understand what’s this craziness means. And after weighing a million possibilities I have finally come to a conclusion. I’ve always known that those vehicles where symbol of my life. I could never figure out why I’m always hanging out in the back and why when there is some kind of supposed crisis I’m so calm making my way to the driver’s seat.

I grew up in chaos. I was always the calm one, the level-headed one. I was always the one who handled the situation and if necessary had a meltdown later. Once I was married life was structured, organized. there was almost never chaos and I never felt so out of control of my life as I did then. During that time someone else was in control and I simply was along for the ride.

It is clear ,to me at least, that my life is pretty calm, peaceful, easy going. I live in love and acceptance. So I guess that’s why I never seemed stressed out in my dreams. Trust me when I tell you that I have mental anxiety every day of my life. But in that dream,in those vehicles, I am calm. I still have no idea who is supposed to be driving the damn car.. maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s no one and that’s how life is supposed to be.

So no I don’t have it all figured out, I’m still sitting here running through the images in my brain in trying to make them make sense in the waking world. But now I welcome that dream. I hope that it returns with some clarity. I’m glad that the dreaming me is not the anxious me that exists when I’m awake. But I do love the knowledge then at some point in my existence I am calm, I am letting go.

Disconnected and distracted

Life is not the best when you are suffering from sleep deprivation. Over the last couple of weeks I have not been sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure it’s just stress-related from getting the taxes ready to go to the accountant. Also like usual life is busy full of events coming up. There are family birthdays and anniversaries there are business trips and side jobs that must be done. But somehow I feel like I am functioning on autopilot. And please do not get me wrong I love the busyness of my life because to me every moment feels like it is a life lived to its fullest but I can feel the need for just a few moments of slow down. For me most of the time that is a fishing trip but even that is work. Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old who has been told that they are now president and everything is on their shoulders. They’re ill-equipped and unprepared for the challenges ahead of them especially given a job of that magnitude. I on the other hand and just a 48 year-old woman who is managing life and yet it feels somehow overwhelming. I even hate to hear myself say that I need a break or a helping hand. And right now if someone were to ask me what they could do to help in all honesty I cannot think of a single thing. Okay maybe a magical house cleaning fairy that would be great. Then when I got home all I would have to think about is cooking dinner. I hear myself say these words I see them hit the page and somehow I feel like a whiny spoiled brat and that annoys me. My life is good it is abundant and filled with love and hard work and family and friends all of the things a person should be thrilled with. And right now all I want is to sleep for 3 Days uninterrupted or to get a massage and a glass of wine. To be honest I just want to have a moment or 10 where I am not responsible. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else or the dogs or the bills but that is not realistic. I talked to Grandma about the importance of taking care of herself because if there is no grandma in good health then there is no one to take care of the family which is what gives her Joy. But I feel I am not taking my own advice. I need a soak in the hot springs. I need a joint on the roof under the stars with someone else having cooked dinner and done the dishes. With someone else having thought about Motel plans or booking the dog into the kennel or what clothes have to go on which trip. But I also realize I’m a control freak and need things done now rather than later and now is usually NOT on everyone else’s agenda because they have their own stuff. About right now I would settle for some candles and a drink and a long soak in a hot bath. I’m pretty sure that might help with one really good night sleep and then I would feel better equipped to face all of the adventures ahead of me. So until I get one or two or ten solid night’s sleep I’m just going to put on my big-girl britches and deal with it because I love this life, I wanted this life. And I would not give it up for the world.

Failure

I am a grown-ass woman, and most days I’m proud of that. But there are days when I have deep regrets. I tried my best to be a good mother and somehow I failed. If I only knew the reasons why maybe I could fix it, then again maybe I can’t. Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed, I don’t know. But today it hurts deeply.

Yesterday would have been my sister-in-law’s birthday. Sadly she never got to see life past 13 months. I listen to the phone conversation between my husband and father-in-law and hear the pain sadness and both of their voices. The conversations they have felt what might have been. The talk of the fact that there are no grandchildren. And it breaks my heart. My failure is a mother seems Amplified somehow. The fact that I don’t have the physical ability to try again somehow feels like fitting punishment. Almost as if we’re good Lord knew that I didn’t get it right the first time and I shouldn’t be allowed the fuk it up again. My sweet husband and I have had this conversation more then once and he tells me that he does not regret not having children. But on days like yesterday I wonder. Today my heart is just filled with sadness for the Lost. The Lost daughters the Lost possibilities. I’m working on acceptance, acceptance of that which I cannot change. If you are a parent hug your children, tell them you love them and know that nothing is promised nothing is guaranteed. And if my daughter ever manages to find this and read it I love you my child with all my heart. I always will. So until miracles happen I will just go home and hug my four-legged babies and be grateful ffirfor what I had when I had it

The day after ache

Dear Lord, sitting is an adventure. Last night was one of those nights were be both gave into the deepest of our desires, and today I am paying the price. And yes I love it.

The bruises are just beginning to show. Every mark is a sign of his love and desire. And I know he is feeling some of the same twinges. I am always swept away by his desire and passion and his openness. Some may not consider it manly to be on the receiving end of ass play. Personally I find it deeply erotic and it makes me even hotter to play with him. Today we recover and share naughty knowing smiles. Tomorrow is another chance to explore yet another fantasy. To feel even closer as we find new ways to bring each other pleasure beyond measure.

This magical Life

Each and every day that passes for me is a gift with this man. No things are not perfect. He drives me crazy sometimes.

But i know that every day he loves me with every part of himself. I know because he tells me. He shows me with his kindness and with his actions. He shows me with the tenderness of his touch and the gentleness of his words. We live a charmed life. It is a simple life. There are no fancy houses or cars, but we have all we need because at the end of the day we have each other. Our home is modest but filled with love and dog hair.

. I do not want to imagine my life without him in it. In him i have a partner, a friend. Someone who i can share all of my secrets with. Someone i can share all of my fantasy with and not fear that i will suffer shame for my desires. This level of honesty is why i love this man. I do not need to hide a single thing from him. Even the dark recess of my past do not scare him away. He has held me though tears and sadness and still loved me in the morning.

As each day passes i worry less and less that he loves me because he is one spoiled man and i realize more and more that he loves me for me. Yes he is my King and treated as such. But i am his queen and he loves me with the gentle reverence that a queen deserves. He also love me like the naughty little slut i am. He is my Daddy, and i his Baby girl. I am his sexy cougar Mommy and he my hot Cubby stud. We are not a list of titles but the perfect balance to the other ones needs and desires.

He is my peace. Never in this life have i had such a solid grasp on what happiness is. I am not trying to make someone happy so that the love me. I am simply being my truest self and i am loved because of it. Yes i worry about money and health and life and our future and things i have no control over. But most of all i know that with his hand in mine the future will take care of itself. He is my heart and my breath and my devotion. I love you, one day, one breath, one moment at a time. From now until the stars fall from the sky.

 

Watching him

Some women are plagued with jealousy. I am not. It is one of my biggest turn ons to watch him flirt with other women. To see him admire the sexy curves of her body, and for him to tell me how hot she is. To see a woman admire him and to watch them not only swoon like a silly teenager but to see the spark in their eyes as they contemplate the possibility.

I know that it fuels his appetite and that when we get to be alone the sex will be hotter than fuck. I love knowing that they want him, but I am the one who gets to have him.

Maybe one day I will let one play with us. But until that day I will enjoy watching him.

I want you now

Sitting there staring at her cup of coffee she was lost in thought. The battle inside was one that only has two possible outcomes. She would either lose her best friend or find the love of her life. She loved his company. His smile was infectious. His laugh melted even the hardest of hearts. Lately all she could think about is what it would be like to kiss him. Just once. But she knew that one would lead to two and after that…..

Could he possibly feel the same about her? Not knowing ate at her. It gnawed at her heart. Was it worth the risk? Maybe, maybe not, but she had to find out.

It was a typical evening, they had dinner out, pizza, her favorite. He always let her choose. Then back to her apartment for some TV. Tonight she asked if they could sit on the porch and talk. He said yes but you could see the concern in his eyes. What’s wrong, he asked her tentatively?

Her voice caught in her throat as she gathered her courage. I know that what I am about to say may change everything, but I can’t keep it inside any longer. I love you. Laughing he said I love you too.

NO, she said. The next words fell out of her mouth in rapid fire. I love you, I have since the beginning. But if I lose you I will die, and if I never have you I will live dead inside because you are more to me than words could ever cover. I need you. I need you now.

She sat there silent, looking into his hazel eyes, praying for the answer her heart needed.

Wordlesly he kissed her. His eyes meeting hers as their lips meet. She was sure she would never breath again. She could feel the beating of his heart under her hand. It was like the wings of a hummingbird.

He pulled her even closer and began to gently nibble on her ear and neck. Tasting her like a starving man. By then she had lost all sense of space and time. She floated in and out of her own body as his hands explored parts of her no one had ever touched before. She lost herself to him in every way. Their bodies found their own rhythm and like a magical dance they were intertwined into the others soul. When they finally collapsed into a heap in each other’s arms they were out of breath and out of words.

She melted not only into his body but into his heart and by the time the sun rose they both knew that this was not the end but the beginning.

red lipstick

She stood inĀ  front of the bathroom mirror, an array of makeup in front of her. Most days she looked in that mirror and thought, Not bad for an old broad. some days she was grateful for the war paint, for it covered a multitude. Today was weird, she was stuck somewhere in between. The black dress hugged her every curve, heels in a height appropriate for work adorned her feet. the makeup was good, and the hair was rocking. Today only a few specks of grey showed reminding her she was not 20, but she was not dead either.

Looking in the mirror she kept hunting for that thing to make her sparkle today, she smiled and knew exactly what it was, red lipstick. Now to find the right shade, the one to decide if she was a goddess or if she was the wicked woman on the street corner. She had them all. picking her way through each tube she was waiting for inspiration.

Finally she found it, blood red, as if you had just severed an artery and watched it pool on the floor.The color of life, strength, power and lust. She put it on slowly, delibertly.

Looking up in the mirror at the full effect the smiled. Soft chocolate color on the eyes, a hint of pink on her cheeks, soflty smoothing away the years. But those lips… The smile that went from sweet an innocent to wicked and naughty. She caught herself biting her lip and wondering how may times through the day would someone have their own private thought about those red lips. How many men would wonder what they tasted like, or what they would look like wrapped around his cock. Or how many women would wonder if the red of her lipstick would tint the lips of her pussy as she licked it.

She knew that in life you were either someones cup of tea or not. Today she wanted to be someones Jack and coke. Better yet someones Crown on the rocks. That sweet slow burn that made you feel alive. Just one more glance in the mirror. Those red lips.. they look so much better when you smile, so she did. And with that she went off into the world. Her head held high, a sway in her hips as she walked and the slight glint of a dare in her eyes.

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