Life has been this crazy rollercoaster. I spent so many years married. I had no identity, except His Wife, her mom, and as one bad ass hairdresser. I put my family and my job ahead of myself in every aspect. And what it got me was a marriage that died from lack of growing together. And an even more messed up view of myself, life and what love really was.
In the end of my marriage I had several relationships. Some on line, some in real life. I was searching. I was lost, confused, and honestly still very nieve. I know that in doing what I did, I hurt some people. Some wonderful and true hearted people. But it made me grow.
The hardest was my last on line relationship. It felt like the most powerful of my life. He listened to my every word. He heard me from his heart. At least that is how it felt to me. I, at different times, would of walked away from everything for him if only he had asked. But as time has past and I have stepped back from the emotional connection and from the extreme sexual power he had over me I have see it with different eyes. He is a good man. But he is a control freak. His desire to be in my ear on my Bluetooth every day was more than a want to be close to me. But his way of learning all there was about me. With that information he could use it all against me if he chose. He could control me without touch simply with a word, because after all of that time he knew my strengths, weaknesses and my kryptonite. Which is why he once said that if another man kissed me he would lose me. And he was right.
Several months back a friend asked me to dinner. There had been some flirting, but he knew of my status, and to be honest I was still in the blind control of my then Master. But I went. The talk was easy and I laughed so hard. We were there for hours. Finally we decided to leave. The walk to the car was one that I will never forget. He held my hand because I was in heels and the walk way was steep. We leaned against the car and talked because neither of us wanted to go. And when I turned my head to look at him as we spoke his lips touched mine in the most tender and timid of kisses. His hand on my cheek so gently holding my face. That kiss could of lasted as second or an hour. Who knows. But when it was done I felt the world sway on its axis. I opened my eyes to see him standing there, his eyes still closed, and breathless. When he finally opened them and exhaled he asked me if it was just him or did the world just swivel a little? I laughed and kissed him again like I meant it.
We have been together since. I have met his family, a big thing for me, and they love me. I met his dogs, and they love me. Proven because Miss Sky has bitten every other female that has come to that house, but not me. In fact she sleeps with me. Yes I live there now. Not because we decided, but because my home flooded and he offered me the guest room. The ever gallant gentleman. We have slipped into this life. It has its rough spots. We have our quirks. We both have issues from past marriages and family shit. But above all else we have agreed to TALK. There is no Master/sub. In fact he calls me HIS QUEEN. Which is something that boggles my mind. Even more is the fact that I am back doing things I had flat refused to do in the last years of my marriage. I get up, make coffee, pack his lunch, pack his clothes for what ever thing he has that afternoon,(his second job or one of our 3 nights of bowling). Hell I am happily doing laundry and cleaning house.
I am rewarded with appreciation, and kisses, and the most amazing physical contact of my life. We are still sorting out each others desires and boundaries. But it feels like we are building something, together. I don’t know where it is going. But I am enjoying the journey. Our friends see the difference in us. We both are supremely happy. You can see the change in us. He randomly asks me to be his wife, I laugh and remind him that I am still technically married. To which he responds, Ok not today, but soon. I laugh and tell him I will only get married again on Halloween or New Years. And he tells me I need to live with him thru all 4 seasons before I decide to say YES. There is nothing rushed or pushed about it. It is simply two people talking out loud to see if the other one flinches. And so far there is no flinching.
Time will tell. Life is meant to just happen. It is not something you can plan. It is something that you live one breath at a time until your last one comes. And you hope that when it does you were blessed with a life that was well lived. I am learning.
loneyheart 